


Crawling Back To You

by dangerouswomanx



Series: Future Starts Slow [2]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV), ouat
Genre: Age Difference, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Student/Teacher, Drama & Romance, F/F, Heartbreak, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Remma - Freeform, Sad, Sex Addiction, Swan Queen - Freeform, Therapy, swanqueen - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-26
Updated: 2020-11-16
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:41:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 24,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23327914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dangerouswomanx/pseuds/dangerouswomanx
Summary: It's been a year since their paths turned in different ways, leaving both Emma and Regina hardly dealing with the heartbreak, changing them beyond recognition. One day though, they meet eye-to-eye again and old feelings come back to the surface. Uncertain of what the future holds, both women try to move on, develop new relationships as well as transform their old ones... Ignite what has been left out of their old flame. But will they be able to mend those differences? Accept new selves and find their way back to each other?
Relationships: Evil Queen | Regina Mills/Emma Swan
Series: Future Starts Slow [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1297832
Kudos: 27





	1. In the Shadow of Your Memory

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own any of the situations or the characters.
> 
> English is not our first language (we are Polish and Turkish girls) so sorry for all the mistakes, we are trying. It's just too hard to find beta these days. So, please, bear that in mind.
> 
> Hello everyone & welcome back, or not! If you're here for the first time, don't feel obligated to read the previous part, although I do hope this one will interest you enough to do just that in the future.
> 
> There are quite a few changes in the form; I decided the separate POV for each chapter and also keep up with the timeline, cause I imagine things might be a little bit confusing, considering the fact our chapters turn out to be quite long. I hope you'll enjoy this form of writing.
> 
> The second thing is... Trigger warnings. As you well know, or not... Our ladies had gone through a lot of horrible things in the past. No, we won't keep doing that to our babes now, but the past had left their marks on them. Well, okay... they will struggle for some to come on the right path. Whenever a triggering action comes into the play, I'll add a warning. But keep in mind, that such past experience leaves a person with PTSD issues, therefore, certain things cannot be avoided here. Regina will still struggle with the subject of her sex and alcohol addiction; we will dig into the subject much more this time. And Emma... will develop an unhealthy addition of her own to cope with the hard emotions.
> 
> Another trigger warning here... As it is F/F story, know that in this part will be included straight sex scenes. A warning shall be applied before each chapter containing it as well. 
> 
> I also wanted to make sure everyone know who is who, just to be clear. Malanie - of course, Maleficent (Dragon Queen vibes and all, plus Lily is her daughter), Harold is Hades (I know, I know, he never ended up to be Zelena's true love but when we first started to write this, we decided to make a good guy out of him). In this part will also appear August W. Booth and Baron Samdi, names not changed.
> 
> I will say this now; this part isn't an easy one to read. Emotionally. Our ladies will go through a lot of heartbreak, making small steps back and forth. But remember this... Swan Queen is Endgame. And if we manage... this story shall have 4 parts till its end.

* * *

_**IN THE SHADOW OF YOUR MEMORY  
** _

* * *

_EMMA._

* * *

**_MARCH_ **

**_Tuesday_ **

Emma woke up with a gasp. 

Just for a second longer she felt so warm inside; the good nervousness in her stomach, feeling of her heart as if expanding. Just then to feel it fall. As if rot... In a matter of seconds tears wetted her temples as she was lying on her back. Her hand fell over lips as she didn’t even know if her roommate, Emily, has woken up just yet. She didn’t want to startle her with a sob that was forming in her throat.

She had this dream again… One of many dreams. Of Regina. It was filled with light and joy. Their happy times... but as soon as she was waking up it all was replaced with darkness and cold. And heartache. It has been so long… but time wasn’t healing wounds. Not those, at least…

Like many other mornings, Emma tried to calm under the stream of warm water. She wanted to swallow all that pain. No matter _what_ she _did_ , nothing ever helped. _Nothing_. And no... She wasn’t living with Ruby or Belle. They wanted to, but Emma knew what they would try to do. She would gladly live on her own but money was something she had to look at. The roommate of hers, she never made any kind of relationship with her. They barely talked, therefore the girl rarely was in the room at all. Emma was fine by that.

She chose that Art School after all-- _Boston Arts Academy_ . _Visual Arts_ was her thing, but she had also taken extracurricular. Expressing things she felt were helping just for a second-- by keeping her mind busy. Transforming feelings into something else. 

Today, after classes, she was going to go out on a date. Of sorts. She saw no point at that really, but... There were girls who wanted to date her or get to know her. She couldn’t say ‘ _no’_ forever. Just a thought that there wasn’t going to be more than that one time anyway made her give in. Where they would go? She didn’t know. She wished to be at least a bit excited. But no. She didn’t want to leave those four walls.

The girl, Lucy, met her in front of the academy building. Emma hid her hands in the pockets, glad it wasn’t all warm today and that might be her excuse. In greeting she just smiled slightly. How people yearned to her, she had no idea. In the past, she was unwanted and even bullied either for being gay or not having a family. But now girls kept talking to her, no matter how quiet she was.

Lucy tried to make small talk and Emma responded shortly each time. She didn’t feel like talking most of the time. Only her friends could understand, in some way at least. Maybe they just wanted sex? Emma really didn’t know. But right now she wasn’t going to go there either. No now, no later. And not just because she tried and only felt worse after that. It didn’t feel good at all. She didn’t feel safe and had to swallow down her fears and disgust.

Emma saw they headed to a cafe where she hasn’t ever been to before. She wasn’t visiting cafes too much… It reminded her of Regina. She bought coffee at Starbucks only. 

The girl took her hand and guided her to a free table. She glanced at the counter and almost froze. She saw a woman who clearly was Lily’s mother. Kissing shorter… a black-haired woman… 

Emma looked away quickly and dropped on the seat. Her heart sank so deep. She didn’t even hear what Lucy saying. _Regina is here…_ It was Regina’s cafe. The one she was supposed to finally see on that fateful night...

“Coffee or cocoa?” Lucy had to repeat it twice and Emma shook from this paralyzing feeling. 

“Cocoa...” she whispered and looked back again… 

The woman was gone. Emma swallowed and turned back around. She tried not to feel; it was the safest. Her chest moved fast, though, and she tried not to break. _It’s been so long…_

“Hello, Lucy,” Emma heard the familiar voice of the older woman. She was looking down at them and the blonde…quite rudely kept her head down.

“Hello, Melanie,” Lucy greeted, sounding quite playful. “No part-timers today?”

“Yes, today it’s just the two of us. So what will it be?”

“Um, I’ll have a caramel cappuccino and cocoa for Emma.”

“Will be right up. It was nice to see you both.” 

Emma could feel those eyes on her. She wasn’t going to look up or say a word… Only when she was long gone behind the counter did the blonde slowly look up again to see Regina busy, preparing the order. She could see soft shadows underneath her eyes. Why did she keep looking, Emma didn’t know… it made it hurt even more. She knew that tonight she will be a complete mess. If she would manage to last that long…

“Emma, dear, are you okay?” Lucy murmured, touching her hand, but it looked like she wasn’t there at all. The girl turned around and followed her eyes to see Regina looking at them. “You know her?”

Emma swallowed hard. It seemed like it was the only movement she could control. If she had any power over her own body she would probably just run away from there… How her lips didn’t start to tremble and eyes didn’t fill with tears, she had no idea either. The blonde just stared straight into those deep, dark eyes. Like each time she just couldn’t look away and drowned in the sea of them. There was chaos inside of her but she could find a common thing she felt to what she saw in there-- _pain_. 

If not for Lucy, she wouldn’t be dragged back to face her. The question sounded in her mind again as she wasn’t able to focus on sounds, on anything around her. 

“No. _Yes_... It- it doesn’t matter,” Emma said and looked down at the nice mug and Lucy nodded slowly, then sipped her coffee. 

When did Melanie come with the order?

Emma’s hands gently wrapped around the cup. She saw the cinnamon on top and corners of her lips moved once, but never formed any expression. It almost felt like one of her dreams. Only different because it showed the presence, not the past.

“She is really nice. She stays late at night when we have midterms and she actually has really wide knowledge about art and literature, and geography.” 

Emma listened as she brought cocoa to her lips to take a sip. It was one of the kind… She could taste Regina all over it. New memories were appearing from the box she hid them in, deep in her mind. She slowly nodded to let the girl know she was listening. 

“Oh, I forgot to tell you, they serve cocoa with cinnamon. It’s kinda their specialty. I can ask for one without it if you like.”

“Oh no…” the blonde shook her head. “No need. It’s perfect..” 

_Their specialty?_ Regina didn’t like to drink cocoa with cinnamon. Only she did… Was it something that… made Regina think of her or something? But why? There was nothing more painful than that. She glanced again to see Regina disappear in a bathroom. She didn’t know why but her legs just guided her off the seat. 

“I’m sorry, I need to head to the bathroom...” 

Emma put the mug down and followed. In spirit she cursed herself. What the hell was she doing..? Emma entered and the lights were out. Before she knew it she was pressed against the closed door and heard the lock click closed. Emma gasped in surprise.

A pair off full lips closed on her own and hands roamed over her hips. Emma was frozen. Her heart could just jump out, it beat so fast and hard. It has been almost a year. And as much as physical things were easy to wash away from memory, this… Those lips and this touch was something she could never forget. But–what the hell was happening? 

It didn’t take longer than a few seconds-- which actually felt like months for her-- when she sensed a hesitation. Emma heard a gasp then and the woman took a step back. Regina had to realise it was her, not _Melanie_.

The only light there was coming through the slit underneath the door. In the dark Emma could see the small form, hands were grasping on the edge of the counter of the washbasin. Her chest seemed to be moving heavily up and down.

“So you are in Boston.” Emma heard.

Emma couldn’t find her voice. It all was just… too much…

“Yes...” she finally whispered. 

A single tear rolled down her cheek, but Regina could not see it. She came here without even knowing what to say. It was stupid and unwise… She was starting to panic.

“I shouldn’t have been–” she started turning around to unlock the door with the intention to leave.

“Yeah, you shouldn’t have… You just left without a word,” she heard Regina murmur.

Emma glanced back to see her hands grasping on something on her neck. A necklace. A ring? The ring Regina was given by Emma on Christmas Eve...

* * *

**_~*~FLASHBACK~*~_ **

* * *

**_Senior Year, 14th April_ **

_The moment Regina told her she would go to the prom with her was a moment the inner child of hers came out with a full force. She jumped in happiness, hugged and kissed Regina so much. Her mother couldn’t have been happier to help her find a dress. God, that was the most difficult task in the universe. She never really got to wear dresses. Later on, it was just a habit of her plus she didn’t really think it suited her. But eventually she found one that was really nice. Maybe not exactly a gown, but just black, half leather dress. With high heels and curled hair it looked just perfect._

_It had been a few tiring weeks and she and Regina had no time to spend with each other. With all the things going on with cafe Regina needed to stay there even for a few nights. She had moved to the apartment up over the cafe and she was actually planning to take Emma to her new home as soon as they would leave the prom. Maybe when the school was over she could just move in with her beloved so they would have all the time in the world. Her lips curled up with the idea._

_Emma was so nervous, waiting. It was going to be the first day in_ two weeks _to finally see her beloved. They had so little time that it broke Emma’s heart… Hearing the doorbell, Emma instantly rushed to open the door before her parents could. They already waited with camera to take photos._

_“Hey...” Regina blushed a little._

_“Hey…”_

_Emma smiled bright and moved to kiss Regina hello, moving one arm around her neck. Ah, how she missed this… Regina placed a hand on the taller woman’s waist as they kissed so deeply that everything was worth it. This kiss was worth it all. It probably was too long because a cough interrupted them, making both of them blush so deep. Regina moving away from Emma, just a little bit, before giving her father a sheepish smile, earning a genuine one in return._

_“You look so stunning…” Emma whispered with that blush and lovingly touched the soft hair, eyeing a tight, deep red dress that hugged her every curve so perfectly, making Emma’s mouth water._

_“Nah, you are just so in love with me,” Regina purred close to Emma’s ear. The brunette had lost her advantage of heels now and again Emma was taller than her. Not that she minded… “And you look like flung out of space…”_

_“And you must have watched ‘Carol’ again lately. Or read…” Emma giggled softly, caressing the back of Regina’s neck as the other rested over her waist; reading seemed more like Regina._

_The brunette tugged a lock behind Emma’s ear, smiling so wide. She had never seen Emma wearing anything but jeans and trousers and Emma could see what it did to her to see her wearing something to asset everything all her baggy hoodies hid all the time. Regina’s hand moved to her lower back and ran on her ass for a moment before getting right back up, making Emma bit her lower lip hard. The night would be long and agonizing… Did Regina could feel she wasn’t wearing much underneath at all?_

_Emma was blushing hard again as she knew her parents always watched closely. God, she couldn’t believe they were really doing this! She would be able to hold Regina and dance with her all night. And then after they would go to Regina’s place, it would be so passionate… She chose what to wear underneath carefully as the dress was so tight. For the first time ever she wore a thong… Very very soft one._

_"You will have a whole night for yourselves, ladies. Let’s take pictures of you,” David said with a soft smile._

_Mary Margaret proposed then, “How about outside?”_

_Emma nodded as in spring the garden looked very beautiful. She took Regina’s hand and guided her back outside._

_“Finally we will have a session of both of us,” Emma giggled as she did photos of Regina any chance she got._

_Regina pulled Emma closer as David photo-shooted them. Emma wasn't one for posing. She tried not to look at the camera too often as it turned her so sheepish. Her eyes were all for Regina and a bright smile lightened her face. Her father even took pictures as they shared a sweet kiss._

_"We’re gonna be late, babygirl...” Regina whispered after the kiss but not moving to get going anyway. Their foreheads pressed together and she inhaled her sweet perfume. “I am taking you to my new apartment tonight.”_

_Emma’s eyes were shining so bright from all that happiness. Everything was just perfect when she was with Regina. Nothing else mattered. She closed eyes for a second._

_“Yea? I must admit I was hoping so. ‘Cause I don’t wanna let you out of my arms ‘till the sun will rise,” she whispered the last sentence into Regina’s ear before kissing it softly. She pecked her lips then again and moved hands from her waist and tangled their fingers together. “Let’s go then...”_

_Emma smiled brightly at her parents and waved to them as they headed to the black Mercedes._

_“Are you nervous?” Emma asked then as they weren’t ever really public right in the school._

_"Yes, maybe a bit...” Regina smiled, turning on the engine and started driving to school. “But Zelena is there. She will save us from any uncomfortable situation.”_

_Regina was smiling wide. This was it. They were highly public couple now. The brunette’s phone started to ring, then though. It was Melanie’s ringtone..._

_“Babygirl, hand me the phone? It’s Mal, it can be something serious.”_

_Emma’s face fell a little as she reached for the mobile without a single word. Regina took it and held to her ear._

_“Yes... Oh my God, you are kidding right?... You can handle that?... Okay, let me know if you need me. God, it will postpone the opening... Okay, good luck.”_

_Emma just looked ahead at the road as Regina took the phone. She had every right to be jealous by then. It seemed that Melanie got to spend time with Regina perhaps twice or even much more than Emma has. And even when they were together, she had to come into the picture one way or another…_

_Regina gave her the phone then so she could place it back into the purse._

_“It’s the cafe, floating it seems, and the wooden floor is swollen…”_

_Emma looked at Regina with saddened look. Today? Did it have to happen today? But Melanie could handle it, right? She knew how this all meant so much for Regina, but couldn’t they have a few hours? Was it too much to ask?_

_“I’ll stay with you for a while, dance with you and all, then I really need to go to the cafe. I’ll come back to get you later.”_

_They were already at the school’s parking lot. The blonde didn’t say anything as it actually hurt her deep… It was one night she waited so long and now Regina would be gone. Had she began to really matter this little? There were always more important things… She wasn’t going to get it out now, it would only ruin the evening. Wasn’t it sick to just grasp on the little remaining moments and try to make them count?_

_“Hey, look at me,” Regina said then. “Don’t you frown.”_

_The brunette tried to pull Emma in for a kiss but instead ended up pressing her lips on her girlfriend’s cheek as the blonde tilted her head. They got out in silence. Her friends spotted her fast and rushed to them._

_“Woah, you two look so good,” Ruby said looking at them up and down._

_Belle giggled and added, “And cute. It’s so sweet you came together! We were all hoping so!”_

_What amused Emma was that Graham and Jefferson seemed more timid._

_“Hi, Miss Mills...” they said, not really sure how to behave around her now._

_"Please, it’s Regina. I am not your teacher anymore nor any of you are my students.”_

_Jefferson smiled more and nodded, moving arm around Belle’s waist. Graham gave Emma a sheepish smile. It was quite sad because it seemed like he still had a little crush on her. But things seemed to be going well between him and Ruby now. They truly looked good together ._

_Regina pulled her hand to tangle their fingers. They walked inside in silence. Emma could feel those peering eyes on herself all this time. Her hand slipped off Regina’s._

_“Emma, come on...” the older woman whispered close to her ear but it seemed Ruby heard her, too._

_Emma did things before thinking. She felt hurt and she didn’t like to be touched by the very person who made her feel it._

_“I am here, ain’t I?” Regina muttered under her breath, smiling sheepishly._

_Emma sighed deeply, and God, she didn’t want her friends to witness that._

_“Let’s dance...” she muttered and then herself dragged Regina between dancing teenagers._

_Luckily it was a slower song that could let them sway. Emma’s cheek rested against Regina’s head so she couldn’t see her expression. Her right arms moved around Regina’s waist and the other rested on her tanned arm._

_“I start to think… what’s the point?” she said after a second, it was quiet and only Regina could hear as she said it close to her ear._

_"What’s the point? Of me being here, Emma? What’s the point of me being here?” Regina pulled her head a little back just to see Emma’s face. “You really think that...”_

_Emma didn’t respond although it was quite obvious what she thought. Yet, not exactly. She thought about many things and each and every one of them hurt her right in the heart because things never could go smooth for them… She really tried not to focus on those. But pretending her mind wasn’t going wild didn’t help in providing her from feeling simply shitty._

_"You think I want to leave you? God, you are impossible,” Regina dropped her hands and took a step back. “I need a drink.”_

_The blonde didn’t even look back at her walking away. Instead she just walked around the corner of the gym and dropped on the seat. She ran a hand through the blond locks. As if before she knew it Regina was back with her._

_“Hey, I got you some punch,” Regina sipped slowly._

_"Thanks,” Emma muttered, wishing herself there were some booze present in it._

_Truth was that teens always brought something alcoholic with them. Knowing Ruby... she had some herself and she was going to find it later. She took the sip, not looking up. The woman of her dreams was all dressed up for her prom… and now it was going to be just that. For a second to it. As if there weren’t people who could take care of troubles as such so a person could have a one goddamn night to enjoy!_

_Regina knelt in front of her trying to catch her eyes. "C'mon, Emma... talk to me,” Regina sighed heavily and reached to take her hand._

_Emma tried to take her hand away, and god, it was hard to control what she felt. Her own eyes began to fill with tears and she begged for them not to fall. Her eyes focused on the red cup in Regina’s hand, not wanting her to see what was in her eyes._

_“Look at me,” Regina whispered._

_"It’s not like you are a freaking plumber, Regina! There are people who are here to take care of such shit stuff,” Emma was breaking. She shouldn’t have because all the damn thing could come out now._

_“Are you really willing to spend our limited time together here like this? Unbelievable, Swan.” Regina rolled her eyes then took a look at the time; they already wasted half an hour. “I will be going in half an hour and I hope you really start understanding that is my life swimming under water, Swan. My home, my work.”_

_“Nor once not twice I thought I wanted to help you out. And then I began to wish it so hard because at least then we would be together! But no, it’s Melanie that get to have you all the time long.” Emma put the cup away beside her and got up. “If you wanna go...” tears blurred her vision, “then go. I don’t care. There’s no point. I’m going home.”_

_The girl freed her hand from the hold and rushed between people toward the exit. Tears began to run down her cheeks. She was just hurting. She missed Regina so damn much… So much it pained her physically and watching her go each time only made the feeling grow._

_"Stop! STOP, EMMA!” Regina yelled behind her as she exited the building._

_They were in parking lot. Emma stopped, a few meters between them. She turned to look at Regina, whose face was as wet from tears rushing down her cheeks as her own. Emma’s lips were trembling and a sob was trying to get out of her throat._

_“Are you leaving me here? Are you kidding me?” the brunette held her hands up. “I am working my ass off to have myself a life which I had given up for you and this is it? Are you breaking up with me?” her voice hitched as tears never stopped rolling on her cheeks. “I-is this really it?”_

_Emma couldn’t form any words as it would just come out. No ‘I need time.’ Or ‘I need to be alone right now’ that she thought could be voiced. If she only knew the consequences of that. She just shook her head before turning around again to put distance between them. If only that shake hold a clear message… Last thing she wanted was for them to break up. Why Emma couldn’t just cry it out on that parking lot…_

* * *

**_~*~FLASHFORWARD~*~_ **

* * *

"Lucy is a nice girl. I am glad that you are moving on. If you excuse me, I have a cafe to deal with,” Regina stepped closer to her and unlocked the door. 

Emma shook her head. “I never moved on...” she muttered but it was so quiet. 

Regina cracked the door open just enough to slide outside after a short pause. Her eyes closed, tears appeared in the eyes again because it was too late now. Emma locked the door again because she couldn’t hold it back any longer. She just started to cry silently. She found herself sitting on the lid of the toilet with head hid in the arms. She was a complete mess and she didn’t know how to even run away from there like that.

If only she decided to talk with her more. Truly talk… Not allow the feeling of hurt speak though her... if she only tried to reach out after that day, talk to Zelena. Ask her for the address. Little did she know that would actually not work. At times she would stare at her phone. Write text she soon deleted before even managing to send it. No text came either. At school, she didn’t even dare to look at Zelena… 

After this event, she fell in deep shit, because it cannot be called differently. Regina wasn’t a bad _event_ in her life; she could deal with _those_ . But Regina was her _life_ . Her _love_ that she could not see herself building a future without. Future that was now gone. She fell into a deep depression that made her experiment with some things… many things. But in the flashes of consciousness, she stopped just in time. But she couldn’t stop with one. One she would never thought of ending up with. It was something no-one would notice if she didn’t want them to. And she did not want that…

Right now it was what Emma needed so desperately… At times it would be a relief at the end of the day. She thought that was going to be much needed tonight but after this…she needed it now. She didn’t even notice now her nails dug into the skin painfully until she heard that knock. 

"Emma, are you alright?” the girl’s voice carried all the worry.

God, what could she do? She was a complete mess and that girl couldn’t see her like that… She had to get a grip to get out of there… She got up to carefully wash her eyes and wipe away ruined makeup. She dried then with paper towels and opened the door .

“I’m sorry but I will head back. I’m not feeling okay,” Emma muttered and headed for her bag. She put a bill on the table and then headed towards the exit.

* * *

That evening Emma somehow got to the dormitory and ended up in the bathroom under a cold stream of shower. After thirty minutes it felt like she had thousands of needles in her skin. Or underneath it. It could seem sick but… It didn’t hurt at all. It distracted her. Most of the time even felt good. Not cold water exactly... but the similar feeling. There were many ways to feel it. What she chose at the moment depended on how much she was controlling herself. And today? She wouldn’t be able to control it at all. It just seemed… as the safest of options. Over the last six months, she discovered so many things. Not exactly nice ones but something that just came out after all this time. 

After putting on leggings and a black t-shirt she dropped on the bed. Too tired to cry but at the same time tears just kept falling. And they were so hot it burned her ice-cold skin. As always she curled to fall asleep. Never-ending torture it was. She escaped to dreams that only increased the pain as soon as she was waking up.

The next day she went on the art classes and she put her feelings into the painting. She often found herself drawing and painting shape of a body. But never drove _the_ face. The body was enough, painfully reminding her of the one she knew she should forget. The flashes wouldn’t disappear from her mind, though. Teachers liked her works. They often said that by looking at them one could feel so much. She really poured into them all those feelings that were too big to bare inside.

After classes, Emma went to a bar. A typical drinking bar. No dances, no parties. She was really careful with that after the New Year’s Eve _adventure_. But still… When feeling so bad she just tended to act so recklessly. And getting drunk in a big city was just that. Her head was pounding and she even felt sick. So sick… One good thing she did was to just start walking, leaving the car parked there. 

It was getting dark, a twilight. At some point her head began to spin and she just leaned against the wall with closed eyes. She had no idea where she was. God, how stupid was she. She should have just bought a beer or wine, or anything really and get it to the dorm room…


	2. On The Rocks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T!W: Dragon Queen flashback!

**ON THE ROCKS**

* * *

_REGINA._

* * *

Each morning she was waking up early, having much to take care of before the first customers would appear; moving up the shutters, placing the tables and chairs outside the cafe if it wasn't cold outside...

After that Regina started the espresso machine and poured herself a double shot to keep it up until the late hours, at least she had been doing so for a while, until the time she didn't need it to wake up, her stomach was doing the job all by itself.

More often than not, Melanie would be still sleeping in her bed at this hour, unless she had been kicked out right after a passionate but not so loving, at least from Regina's side of the action, sex. She never really liked Melanie laying by her side; it brought too many memories and she felt like she was cheating. Well, maybe she was, but no one would want to feel this way, would they?

Regina would then sit in front of the piano and start playing Beethoven or… anything else, really. Whatever that was; it always reminded Regina of her. Damn her. Would there be a minute when she could be on the side of sanity instead of going crazy, thinking about her? And now she had promised, much more important than any other, to keep herself sane and especially sober. And as if all this wasn't enough, there was Melanie...

She and Melanie… were not dating, obviously but still they were friends; friends with lots of benefits. And it was sometimes good not to be alone in the dark apartment even though it was not that certain blonde she had hoped she'd be sharing the very bed with. A certain blonde indeed… She didn't have the heart to mention her name, not that she could forget. It left a bad taste on her tongue every single time.

She never liked to spend more time in bed with the older blonde than just having sex, though. They never cuddled while sleeping and, actually, Regina never let her touch her apart those not-so-intimate moments and they had them whenever Regina wanted. She had never shared the same intimacy with Melanie after Emma, she never could.

Emma had taught her something she had forgotten a long time ago. Being stupidly in love, enough to have those rare moments where they could be one and, well, no one could give her that; not her first love, not her next. And deep down, Regina knew there could be no next. A perfect fairytale end she had until she didn't and now, she was left empty handed, mourning after someone who had abandoned her.

But still it was only Emma and it'd always be Emma. And now she was really trying hard not to forget that; she had a heart, she was not a lost cause and most certainly she was better than her addictions, both alcohol and sex. Emma had taught her that. Still there was this deep need she felt, she kept herself in tact as much as she could but sooner rather than later she found herself tangled in sheets with her post orgasm regret.

It usually took almost a midday for her cafe to get crowded with studying students. They gave her such joy to have them to chat with. She wanted everybody to feel comfortable and at home, just like she did at Ingrid's place. It gave her some kind of peace with herself after how they ended things with Emma. As much as there could be peace with a broken- scratch it, shattered heart.

Once in a while Zelena visited. They chatted more about her sister's life rather than hers. She had been talking enough with Archie already, her dear therapist. It was weird enough to talk about herself with someone other than him and it was still hard to do just that with him as well. She was opening up to someone; she needed that because the other choice was to have an empty bottle or two laying on her bed.

She didn't want to go back to that place. She worked too hard to get out of that rehab and this therapist was her best option, nor Zelena neither Melanie could understand this, understand her. She wasn't even sure if Archie did, but at least she knew he was doing his best to help her.

To hell with it, even Regina didn't understand herself most of the time. There was an instinctive emotional mess inside her head, her heart and her soul; or whatever was left of.

She was in Boston. She was still in Boston or she was visiting. What was she doing and how was she? There were tons of questions in her mind only Emma Swan could answer. God, her heart swelled with so many emotions. She could still remember how nice it was to hold her in her arms… Regina still loved her so deeply and it obviously had been a date yesterday evening, between her and Lucy.

Everything came back, all those painful images. She, walking away, looking so beautiful even with her eyes all swollen from tears and cheeks dark pink. She had walked away…

Regina remembered how she had been standing there, looking after her for a while, asking herself; was that it? Were they over? She had asked her, even begged her several times not to leave and, even knowing this, knowing how vulnerable she was, Emma left. Without turning back to see her, look at her, she just left.

She remembered how tears kept rolling down her cheeks, how she wanted to rush after her and not let her go, but she just left her standing there and walked away. Regina still didn't know how she had found her car with those teary eyes and it was a whole other mystery how she managed to drive back into the city centre.

She was crying and the strange thing was, she had no idea what she was feeling. Was that how devastation felt like? Her heart was pounding against her chest but she could swear Emma had just ripped it out and left her to deal with the mess, the mess she had always been but kept together until the very moment that beautiful yet cruel blonde turned her back on her. And these words weren't even figurative.

She hadn't been surprised to find Melanie trying to save anything she could from the damaged floor but Regina didn't give a damn about the wooden floor anymore. How the hell could she? This could all go to hell for all she cared. After all it was all those stupid pipes' fault, right? Emma had left her over a freaking pipe! She was too heartbroken to think. Or maybe just too pissed to, who knew; definitely not her.

She did the only thing she knew to lessen the pain crashing into her heart, the anger ready to fire out. She'd pinned the woman to the wall and ripped open her shirt, kissing her wildly. They had taken each other right on the tables, then went upstairs to her little apartment. They had a few more rounds before both of them had a crush on her bed where she had actually planned to cuddle with her now-ex-girlfriend.

When Melanie had fallen asleep beside her was when the truth caught up with her. They had broken up and she had literally thrown herself in the arms of a woman who had been waiting to catch her. Awful didn't even compared to the way she felt. She felt lower than she had ever been. She felt like a cheater and cried some more to that as if there wasn't enough to pull her to the bottom.

Regina had changed her number after that night and she had already sold the apartment in town so she had no more business there. Every now and then Zelena had informed her that she ran into the young blonde or saw her across the street but that was it. She didn't push. She was hurt deeply because Emma was the one who encouraged her to open a cafe and she was the one blaming her for working hard for it, just to leave her in the end.

She'd just put all her mind into making it a home for other people and she did it. She immediately had regulars. She put it all together. A life, not a perfect one maybe, but she had enough money and new friends, a loving sister and sex whenever she wanted with a caring woman. God, she was such a pathetic woman using Melanie for a physical release but her old friend knew it and she seemed okay with it anyway.

Regina knew by heart Emma was going to leave her without a word again as she turned her back on her so she closed her eyes. She saw it once and she didn't know if she could take it, she walked away on her, again but when she heard no lock opening she opened her eyes to see that young woman standing still, her back turned to Regina. The brunette had no idea what to do.

After that encounter Regina had escaped through the hidden stairs, up into her small apartment. Soon she'd heard the steps and in the next moment she felt a pair of strong arms around her. It was when she broke even harder. They were sitting right in front of the stairs because Regina couldn't find her straight to walk anymore. The older blonde had moved an arm under her legs to lift her up and carry her to the bed.

Regina had curled up against Melanie's warm body, sobbing. She never had cuddled her like this after her. No, she couldn't do that to her memories of her love but now she needed someone to hold her before she broke to the point she couldn't pull herself back together.

Sobs had ended with an asthma attack. She couldn't breathe but not just physically; she couldn't breathe mentally, too. How could she just let her go? How could she just leave her to her misery?

Regina didn't know where the reality ended and where her dreamless and restless sleep started. Melanie had to put her down and closed the cafe early and let her sleep through the night. It was almost day break as she woke up. Dim light slid inside her bedroom and her swollen eyes hurt.

She just couldn't stop thinking about the kiss they shared in the bathroom. She brewed herself a tea, as her new usual. She'd taken her fresh drink and got into her seat by the piano. She'd started playing the only song that kept singing in her head.

_"When marimba rhythm start to play_

_Dance with me make me sway_

_Like the lazy ocean hugs the shore_

_Hold me close sway me more_

_Like the flowers bending in the breeze_

_Dance with me make me ease_

_When you dance you have the way with me_

_Sway with me stay with me_

_Other dancers may be may be on the floor_

_But my eyes will see only you_

_Only you have the magic technique_

_When we sway I go weak…"_

* * *

_**Wednesday** _

The doctor's green eyes were settled on the young brunette woman, who was as silent, as that first time she came into his office. The only sounds in the room were the clicking of the clock and taping of a pen. He waited patiently but when it had been ten minutes already, the man finally said something,

"What's on your mind, Regina?" doctor Hopper asked. "Tell me what happened. Is it– Didn't it work?"

Regina raised her eyes to look at him but it was mostly unfocused. She wasn't able to get the idea of those lips out of her mind. And those greenest eyes she had ever seen… Even the idea was able to knock the air out of her system.

"What?" she shook her head lightly, sighing. "Everything's perfect." A ghost of a smile lingered over her red lips. "Everything's going according to the plan."

Archie nodded so slowly and noted something in his notebook, pen scratching against the paper. Regina started racing her thumbs in circles, waiting. Well, maybe she could have been drowning in one bottle or more right now. Yes, she most probably would.

"But I still would give anything to have a shot," she muttered, slightly ashamed of herself but knew better than to hide it, not anymore. She had promised herself that.

No more hiding.

Yet, she wasn't ready to talk about one certain blonde, younger... much younger one. She wasn't just there yet.

Archie looked at her with sympathy.

"I can only imagine the feeling," he said in quiet understanding. "Would you like to discuss it as a starter, perhaps? You have told me how you've fallen into addiction those four years ago. I have a feeling there's more to it. There must be a core. How about…" he shifted in his chair, "…you tell me about your beginnings with alcohol?"

Regina took a sharp breath in, closing her eyes for a second or so. When she exhaled, only a few words left her plump lips.

"It all started with a stupid internship opportunity mother wanted me to take."

* * *

**~*~FLASHBACK~*~**

* * *

_**13 years ago** _

_Regina couldn't stop crying. No, this was nothing like before. Nothing felt this real, she could taste the blood on the tip of her tongue. Yes, Mother had hurt her before but she had never, ever made anything like this, never gone this far. The line dyed her lower lip into crimson._

_She had never hit her like that. Yes, pulling her hair and hitting the places where no one else could notice, that was her daily life every now and then but this… Cora always said she would be damaged goods if something happened to her pretty face. Was she damaged goods now?_

_She wasn't sure how she got out… She didn't even have any coat on herself and it was all she could do before Zelena would run after her. God, Zelena would be looking for her… No, she couldn't think about her sister right now._

_When she stopped running, her heart thumping against her chest, she knew where her feet got her to, or better say, who her feet took her to. Only person she knew would care for her, damaged goods or not._

_She pressed her forefinger on the bell and waited for a while, which felt like a lifetime. Maybe Melanie wasn't even there… But the door fell open at the same time leaving the house crossed her mind. How did she look? It must've been terrible since the face Melanie tried to pull was failing miserably. Within seconds the brunette just crushed in her strong arms, sobbing._

_Melanie seemed so frozen for a moment. Most likely just a couple of short seconds but not for the young girl. Then those strong arms moved around that fridgle form, the grasp so firm, displaying the terror the blonde woman must have been feeling. It was when Melanie dragged the brunette girl inside and let the door shut close loudly._

_"Babygirl," the woman gasped. "What happened?"_

_That voice seemed to shake. Long fingers moved through her thick, long locks, brushing them from the messy face. Messy from tears and blood. Melanie's plump lips parted in a mute gasp once more. Her thumb barely traced the so-bruised lip._

_"Oh dear God," the mature woman whispered. "Come."_

_With a protective arm around Regina, the blonde lead her to the kitchen when she instantly went on a search of a first-aid kit. Regina sat on the stall, hands on her lap, trembling. Why was she here anyway? She didn't know. But she knew she could trust Melanie. Her guardian angel; she wanted to believe that. She didn't know how to explain it, though._

_Was she a mess, really? Was it even repairable? Would Melanie still like her, like this? All bloody and watery, with a runny nose?_

_"Mother happened," the girl muttered when the older woman returned._

_Regina wasn't sure how to explain. What was there to explain? Cora Mills hated all her tutors and art related activities from the very start and, of course, she would force her into dropping her lessons with Melanie to go to that damn internship in a law company. She was meant to be a lawyer or whatever Cora thought, after all. Regina wasn't that person, but well, Mother would never get that and the worst, Regina knew it just too well._

_"She hit me."_

_As if she hadn't hit her before… Melanie didn't need to know. Plus, calling this a simple hit was the underestimation of the year. She had thrown a fucking paper holder at her. Again, Melanie didn't need to know._

_The blonde's forehead was now covered by a big frown. When the woman took a gauze and poured some iodine tincture on it, there was a flash of something in her baby blue eyes. As soon as it showed, it disappeared. She was so gentle when moving the cup girl's cheek to tilt her head back lightly before starting to lightly press the gauze against the swollen lip._

_"I'm guessing you won't report it," Melanie said as if she knew it all too well. As if she knew something about it._

_Reporting her mother? Was it even possible to get out of that situation alive? She shook her head shivering at the first touch of the gauze. It was burning, burning so deeply getting her eyes glassy once more. She gulped, closing her eyes. Melanie stopped for a second, seeing Regina wince in pain. The woman went then to clean up the bottom lip from blood. With a fresh piece, she cleaned up the rest, revealing the whole damage. It was going to leave quite a big and deep scar for sure._

_"It's going to be alright," Melanie said, though, trying to smile as if to raise the girl's spirit._

_Regina moved a hand over Melanie's forearm and squeezed it. She knew what the blonde woman was doing and she appreciated it, she really did. But was it really going to be alright? Yes, maybe she felt safe then and there but was it even possible to get out of the grip her mother tightly wrapped around her?_

_Then Regina noticed she wasn't crying anymore. Despite the pain on her throbbing lip, she wasn't crying. She gripped the strong forearm tighter when that burning gauze returned to her wounded lip, digging her nails on the pale skin under her grasp._

_"How does it look?"_

_Melanie screwed her face ever so slightly, as if trying to find the right words. Seeming like she gave up, the blonde finally said,_

_"I won't lie. It's going to hurt as fuck." A sigh fell from those plump lips. "I'll get you some ice. It will help with the swelling and won't bruise as much." The blonde turned to the freezer and bent to get the ice cubes out. She got them in a clean cloth and slightly wetted it. "Here you go."_

_Melanie didn't say much more, as if understanding Regina wouldn't want to dig it up further. As if she understood Regina just wanted to feel safe and secure._

_"Let's sit in the living room, babygirl. Alright?" the tall woman offered a hand._

_Regina tried to give the older woman a smile but it only caused her more pain. She took the ice and pressed over her mouth and with other she took the offered hand not wasting a second to do so. Melanie gave her a soft squeeze before guiding the young girl to the couch._

_Regina wasn't gonna lie to herself, it felt so good to feel someone take care of her. It even set the butterflies in her stomach. God, was she so… She wasn't sure what to call herself but it didn't feel right to think this way about Melanie. Even though they occasionally flirted and all since she broke up with her ex boyfriend. She took a seat on the leather couch watching the very woman slide across the room._

_"I'd use something to clear up my mind if I were you. Would you like some whiskey?"_

_"Yeah, sure," Regina murmured, even though she wasn't sure if she should be accepting such an offer._

_Yes, she had a few glasses of wine when she was at a dinner party with her father, but nothing more. Okay, maybe half a bottle of beer Zelena gave her when they were out last weekend. Well, whiskey wouldn't be too different from wine or beer, right? They were all alcohol after all. It wouldn't matter._

_Regina took the short cylindrical glass with two fingers long filled with amber liquid. Her eyes were glued on Melanie though, holding the glass and not making a move to have a sip._

_"Thanks," she said awkwardly when their eyes met and she escaped that strang gaze._

_Baby blue eyes were mesmerising for her and she couldn't have enough. God, what was happening? Melanie was so… Melanie._

_Regina took a sip not to be drowned more into her mind and then felt the burning… On her lip first, but the liquid ran down her tongue and throat as a liquid fire until settled on her stomach. She groaned slowly, trying to swallow her embracement. But instead of putting the glass down, she down the rest in one go. Coughing was an effect she didn't consider to happen. But it was worth the burning. She liked it. God, she really liked it._

_"Oh woah, take it easy," Melanie warned, taking a seat by the young girl. As if casually, her hand rested on her knee. Little touches from her side weren't something unfamiliar. It was almost like a magnet. They were like two opposite poles. "It's better to take your time to savour it," the woman advanced, but part of her had to understand, considering what had happened today._

_Regina blushed a little. Maybe she had really drunk it too fast since she could feel the effects immediately. She was light headed already but not ready to stop._

_The blonde herself took a small sip then, but soon put her glass coffee table and reached with now free hand once more._

_"Be careful with your lip. But every cloud has a silver lining…"_

_Did those big eyes rested on the swollen plump lips for a little too long? Wasn't it questionable enough that a tutor offered her student a drink? But it seemed like they have been long past that status of their relationship. What they were, they couldn't know, but defensively not that._

_"Yes, I can see what you mean," Regina murmured. Weren't they just too close? That hand on her knee, yes, it gave some sense of security for sure but was this burning from whiskey or the tutor she came to like on a whole different level. "Can I have another?" Regina asked sheepishly, dropping her eyes from baby blue eyes to plump red lips._

_Why was she thinking about how they would taste like? But the moment, if it could be called as such was broken when Melanie stood up to give her a refill._

_In a moment of silence the whiskey reappeared in the glass and so did the woman on the couch. Watching Regina closely, she returned to sipping her own liquor._

_"Have you told anyone where you're going? Your sister?"_

_Of course, Melanie listened closely when Regina mentioned their close relation, unlike the one with her mother. But had she told anyone? She hadn't even known she would be appearing there when she slammed the door and left her red-headed sister watching on the staircase._

_God, she must've been worried sick, unlike her mother. Her mother wouldn't even care if she dropped dead. Oh, maybe she would care since she would need to explain it to her father. This all wouldn't have happened if her father wasn't out of town. Cora wouldn't dare to make her stop painting if Henry was around. He was her rock as she was his._

_"Perhaps you should let her know you're in good hands. You can stay with me," the blonde assured, offering soft strokes up and down her back, at times moving her hand through her hair as well. Wasn't it so comforting?_

_Regina relaxed completely at that. Was she scared that Melanie would make her go back home? She wasn't so sure herself._

_"Yes… I should call her."_

_The girl took a sip instead of making a move to do as she was told. This touch and those warm words… Couldn't it just be about her? For a split second? She didn't want to think about anybody else, especially about her family even though she knew how selfish it was to let Zelena eat herself with the possible bad outcomes._

_"Do you even have your phone with you?" Melanie rose a brow._

_The blue eyes never turned away, as if scanning every cell of Regina's face. Hand stroked and stroked and had to feel how those tensed shoulders finally began to drop. Plump lips curled ever so slightly then, with satisfaction. She gulped the last sip in the glass and left it on the coffee table._

_Regina took the refilled glass looking into the amber liquid as if it could give her some answers._

_"I didn't really think about taking anything." Or changing into something more appropriate for that matter, she thought._

_"Babygirl, look at me," Melanie put fingers on her chin, thumb brushed against the sharp jaw. "If you don't want to, I won't force you. You can forget about it with me. I'll give you that, okay? You know I'd help you with anything."_

_Those words and the very voice were as soft as velvet. Strength gave the sense of security and eyes displayed such affection. Eyes that yet again fell to those bruised lips._

_Regina hadn't seen an ocean before, or a sea, but she knew, she just knew those eyes were much more beautiful than any of those. Those honey like words melted the way inside her, her heart skipped a bit when she noticed Melanie was staring down to her lips. She was somehow sure it had nothing to do with her wound, though._

_"I know you would never leave me."_

_Regina somehow knew it and maybe she didn't need too much push to make this moment one not to be forgotten. She wasn't a toy for her mother to play with and this was her life and she was done with hiding behind a mask her mother created carefully for her._

_"You can kiss me if you want to," Regina said much more bluntly than she thought she could._

_Did the corners of those lips lift up even more? Was there a newfound spark in the blue eyes?_

_"I do," Melanie said just as straight forward and Regina almost dropped the glass._

_The woman didn't hesitate any longer to lean in. First, her lips locked over the wounded part, as if trying to kiss it better. Even the tip of her hot tongue moved over it ever so softly, gathering the irony taste. She moaned. But then those lips closed over the whole lower lip and hand moved from jaw to cheek, and from cheek into the chocolate locks. It was so slow and overly gentle not to cause more pain to the abused flesh, but there was want as well._

_Regina's shaky fingers let go of the very glass on the coffee table by Melanie's and didn't think for a second more to press their lips together more, sealing them. Gentle but the flesh was still too sensitive. Her hand moved over blonde's knee at first inching up until her waist. Her fingers closed around the material tightly, afraid that the older woman could slip away, as anything else her mother didn't see fit._

_Melanie parted to look at the girl's face again. The brunette's heart was racing and pulling away to see her companion's messed up lipstick didn't help her case. To hide it though, Regina leant into her. Almost leaning in until she was literally in her personal space._

_It didn't take long for Melanie to kiss her again, her teeth barely brushing against the bottom lip before tracing tongue over it, tasting waters, exploring, discovering. Regina's lips parted to let that soft muscle explore, tasting everything she had dreamt off._

_Kissing a girl… No, a woman._

_Didn't matter the identity but she was kissing a woman and her mind was about to blow out. Maybe she was drunker than she thought she was._

_While the left hand held firmly onto the hair, the other followed the girl's example. In no time, as they were already panting and Melanie slowly licked her own lips, the blonde was pulling the girl on her lap, to allow her being even closer. Like magnets, indeed…_

_Regina couldn't help her deep breathes, it didn't feel like she was having enough air in any case. She didn't protest being pulled on the older woman's lap. God she normally would. In any other normal scenario she would scream and run away ._

_"You're sweeter than I was able to imagine," Melanie whispered, brushing their lips together as she did._

_All her face was flushed but somehow Melanie's words still could make her blush so deeply. A hand moved over her back and hips, gently squeezed onto the thigh._

_"Do you feel it?" Desire. The sparks were turning into flames in no time. Those blue eyes already darkened without control. "I have wanted you for so long, babygirl… And now it's just us."_

_Regina turned to the coffee table to grab her glass and downed it in one go. While the liquid slid down her throat beautifully, she tilted her head back. Yes, she could feel it, in her bones. She had always felt it around her tutor, she always liked her, had a crush on her and flirting was just too good. But had she ever imagined Melanie liking her back? Scratch it, desiring her? Was she a desirable girl?_

_She doubted it._

_Those cushion-like lips started to move along her throat. No one had ever touched her like this before… At least after that man. She never thought she would let anybody touch her this way but right then and there… She didn't know if she could stop herself even if she tried. This felt too good… Was she an idiot to push people away when she could have it way before? Sex…_

_"Oh God… Damn it, of course I do."_

_Regina slammed the glass down and her hand immediately crossed inside the golden mane. This was all about her and maybe she liked that part the most._

_Teeth grazed but never nibbled. Of course, Melanie was wise enough to know she shouldn't leave a mark on the flawless skin. If Cora'd discovered it… Neither of them wanted to even imagine what would happen. Was that olive skin burning? Oh, it was so…_

_Strong hands moved over Regina's thighs and squeezed before moving to the girl's ass. The lips moved back over the jaw and along, going to a spot under her ear, pulling out such sweet moans._

_Regina couldn't think, couldn't hear her thought because the desire was making her blind, deaf…. Ah, wasn't feeling anything else but those lips moving on her throat, pulling out those sounds she never knew she could make. She didn't know what to do with her hands so kept them in blonde locks, tugging lightly every now and then. Those words were hitting her right in the core…_

_Smooth, seductive and… Protective. She couldn't just ask for anything more. This was what she needed right? She wanted to feel loved and cared, Melanie was giving it to her._

_"Do you want me?" Melanie purred into her ear. "I'll make you feel so good, so safe…"_

_"Yess…" the girl hissed, closing her eyes._

_The darkness behind her lids. In the back of her head she remembered those awful moments when he pulled her on his lap and touched her but this touch… Melanie's hands were careful, mindful… Even loving… Repeating it in her head, she knew she could believe it._

_Teeth ever so slightly tagged onto Regina's earlobe before kissing her a bit harder, but tongue quickly smoothed the pain on the upper lip. Their lips melted together pulling those low painful groans out of the girl._

_She loved it, she really loved it when Melanie hurt her. She was allowed to hurt her if she was really going to do what she promises. Make her feel safe, feel good…_

_As if reflecting herself, the blonde suddenly asked,_

_"Have you been with anyone before, sweetheart?"_

_That question threw all the balance Regina was trying to build out. Had she done it before? Yes? No? She wasn't sure how to respond to that and seconds were passing fast as she was trying to think. As if her mind was a Porsche once upon a time, now it was moving as fast as a baby stroller._

_"I…"_

_Regina tilted her head down lightly to look into baby blue eyes and shook her head. It wasn't even possible for her to notice it, right?_

_Melanie watched her so closely, so mindful. Her plump lips curled up fondly before hands cupped Regina's cheeks to caress her face._

_"It's okay," the blonde whispered. Had her breathing gotten so deeper as well? "I'm going to take care of you, sweet Regina. I'll help you forget, I'll give you pleasure," she whispered words of promise, placing soft kisses over brunette's face._

_Regina couldn't keep up with the words or the kisses. Her brain was just too slow to understand the simplest things but this feeling in her… She had never wanted anyone to touch her like this. She had never wanted to touch someone like this, even though she didn't have a clue about touching someone, pleasuring someone because as far as she experienced, it gave her no pleasure._

_When Melanie said she'd give her pleasure, she believed her though, letting herself be carried away in strong arms, her own limbs tightly holding onto the woman._

_Was it even possible to turn the pain into pleasure? Wasn't sex a painful thing?_

_In one second Melanie was on her feet, holding Regina strong. The feet carried them to the bedroom down the hall, on a bed, that wasn't all too big, but neither small. Melanie laid her on her back, moving on top of the small form like a tiger._

_"You're so breathtaking," Melanie smiled so sweetly, looking into those innocent dark eyes._

_The blonde reached then to start to unbutton her own grey skirt, button by button, giving the girl time to adjust to the new situation, to the idea of what's going to come. To try to fight the fear of being exposed in a few moments._

_Regina stared up into Melanie's blue eyes and moved her both hands to her chest._

_"Promise me…"_

_Promise what, Regina didn't know. But after those two words slid across the blonde's tongue she pulled her down in a kiss. She'd do anything._

* * *

**~*~FLASHFORWARD~*~**

* * *

Regina licked her lower lip, keeping her silence for a minute.

"And we had sex…" Her palms were pressed on her thighs and she was staring at them, not sure how to look up at him. "And I knew… I knew pain could be pleasure if I was numb enough."

Archie nodded slowly, the silence was filled by the sound of the pen moving against the paper.

"That's how you fell into it… Feeling so dangered you found an escape. Something good in something bad," Archie tried to sum up the whole story she just told him. "And now? You're scared of reaching for the alcohol, considering your plans for the future, aren't you? And keeping things going with Melanie is the safest option of dealing with your pain."

Regina escaped his eyes taking her lower lip between her teeth. She always hated when someone was able to read her like an open book and that was the very reason she hated therapies and never went to one, until this year. Trying to get used to it, still when Archie showed his magic so bluntly she hated it.

But one thing was not right in his words. Melanie wasn't the safest option, she was her only option. She couldn't drown back in a bottle, not again.

There was a moment of silence.

"If the circumstances were different, I'd truly advise you considering taking the pills–" he instantly stopped, noticing the change in Regina's eyes; her head whipped up to shoot him a deadly glare, she rarely used.

She had promised herself years and years ago that she would never, ever use medication like that. Rehab was her last and she was certain for it to stay just that.

"I won't touch that matter again," he assured. "But it has been a while since you mentioned your desire for a drink. Whatever happened… it will help to talk about it. Try to get it out," he nudged her.

Those words turned around to a much uncomfortable topic for her. To Emma. This all showed her how she sucked at dealing with pain.

"I don't wanna talk 'bout it," she muttered, taking a glance to the watch on her wrist.

The man sighed softly at that. There was this high wall around the woman again and only a blind man could not see it.

"Regina, we have discussed it so many times before. You came here for help and I'm doing everything to give you just that," he started, trying to get her to look up. "But I cannot do it without your cooperation. You know how bottling things up affect you. You are creating yet another corridor in your maze. How long will it take before you will get lost in it again? Let me help. Let me guide you."

Regina looked up at him, sighing. She knew he was right and it all bothered her just a bit more.

"I saw her yesterday, okay?" she said, shaking her head. She couldn't stop feeling those pink lips against hers all over again. In the dark, when she thought it was Melanie, but no it wasn't. "I saw Emma," she repeated with the name of her this time. "She came to the cafe, with one of my regular customers." Regina gulped trying to focus on something else so she didn't need to look into his eyes. Her eyes stuck on the coffee table. "And I just wanted to get away, get lost in it, whatever it was. It didn't matter. I just wanted this pain to disappear."

There was silence again, as if the man didn't expect this turn of action. It was clear that it complicated things so much. All the progress they had made… Regina just wasn't able to heal and now? Now they were right back at the start.

"Tell me about all your feelings and thoughts," he encouraged her at last. Over time they began to speak about Emma less and less.

Regina shook her head, biting her lower lip not to cry. She didn't want to cry anymore.

"I went to Melanie… Told her to meet me in the bathroom. A quick shag and I knew I could… feel nothing, I guess." Regina stopped for a moment, looking for the right words. "Then I went there… Bathroom, thinking it was Melanie following but it wasn't, she wasn't Melanie, kissing me there in the dark and and I…."

She gulped, blinking to stop her tears from running down but they slid off her cheekbones regardless of her efforts.

"I've– I've missed it, missed her."

Regina started sobbing in her hands. She couldn't stop sobbing and crying. It had been a fucking year and she could go nowhere to escape her yearning for Emma.

When she calmed down a little, she took the tissue he was offering to clean her messed up mascara off.

"I cannot stop thinking of a bottle of tequila since."

Or a hardcore sex with a certain younger blonde…

There was no way of moving on. Especially not when the paths crossed again. No when the feelings were so strong still.

"Have you tried to talk to her?"

Was there a way out of this? Was there a right way? Ignorance was never good, but when it came to a broken heart they said it was best to stay away and try to heal. But it's been a year and the wounds have been scratched again. Would it be good if they tried to find peace in confronting things after separating in the way they did?

"Yes. No… I don't know," Regina pursed her lips, inhaling deeply. "I don't know. We might've exchanged words but I don't recall." She shrugged, looking back down to her hands, pulling her red nail polish off with the edge of her other fingers. A habit she grew since she started the therapy. "What is there to talk about anyway? She left me, with reckless abandon," she shook her head again.

"You can only assume that, Regina," he tried his best to sound as gentle, making the woman see that at times we could imagine things. "Even if, wouldn't you prefer to finally know where you stand? Hear from her why she did what she did?"

"Can we call it a day? I promised Melanie to be there to close the cafe. She had some things to do."

Archie breathed in deeply, trying not to sigh. He scrambled something in his notebook and having it closed, he placed it on the coffee table.

"I'll see you next week then. Good luck, Regina. Please, try to be more direct with people. It can help. Let's say it's your homework for this week."

Regina stood up rolling her eyes. She took her denim jacket from the hook, then turned to him once more.

"You know I hate it when you call it homework, I wasn't the brightest student too anyway," she smiled a bit. "Good evening, Archie."

She left his office with a lightness on her chest. She headed to the elevator and in ten minutes she could breathe not so fresh air of the city. Maybe she could walk back to the cafe, even though it'd probably take her thirty minutes. She didn't want Melanie to see her like this.

* * *

It was getting dark when she finally got close to her cafe. She crushed against some woman then, hitting her shoulder passing by. Regina turned around to look if she was okay.

"Are you-" she started, but her mouth hung open.

She was not okay.

She was Emma Swan.

And she looked so so wasted.

Regina gasped and took a step closer, without any question moving her arms around her, holding Emma's waist. Was she an idiot? Yes, most probably, but instead of running to the opposite side of the road, she chose to help that girl- no, a woman.

She told herself she'd do it even if it wasn't Emma, but deep down, she knew it wasn't the truth. Every single cell in her body knew it just too well.

"No-don't-" Emma began to say as soon as she did.

"Shut up," Regina hissed. She didn't have the patience. Not for this bullshit.

How can she be this reckless?

God, how could she be this reckless when Regina was her main example why she shouldn't have been drinking her mind out?

Regina felt that head lean against her shoulder heavily and she started walking towards her cafe. It took them a few long minutes to get there. Never before had she noticed how far her therapist was and how agonizing it was now to walk with a dead weight on her left side.

Melanie was behind the counter. As always. Her eyes widened at the sight. Regina couldn't blame her, but there was no time to explain. Regina wasn't even sure if she could do just that anyway. She just wanted to get the blonde up the stairs before the little energy she had was gone.

"I will be upstairs. Call for me if you need me. But please, only if it is really necessary."

With that, Regina led the younger blonde to the hidden stairs, then up to her apartment.

Inside, she turned to look at her and grimaced her face when the smell hit her like a wave. She groaned internally. Perhaps all of this was planned by the Lord or something, just to remind her what a bad idea it is to drink. She would appreciate it much more, though, if it was with some other pawn but Emma Swan.

Regina laid her on the couch, Emma groaned with a vince. Her head had to be pounding so hard. Regine knew it too well.

"Stay here," she said, walking into the kitchen.

A short moment later Regina came back with a glass of water and two pills in her palm. Emma didn't move a muscle. Her body looked weak, like a rag doll.

"What did you drink?" Regina sat on the ground near the couch.

Did it even matter? It was as clear as the day, whatever she had, she had in expanse amount.

"Dunno…" Emma frowned deeply, clearly trying to think. "Drinks," the blonde muttered and tried to move up.

Regina placed the glass on the floor then helped Emma sit up slightly.

"Are you insane? Why are you doing this to yourself, Swan?" Regina sighed.

It was just too hard to see her like this. Too hard to acknowledge that they had a history behind all of this. A history that started with a damn drink. Regardless of the very name that refused to move off her tongue. As if she said it, said her name, this would all become the reality. As if it wasn't already the reality.

"Okay, drink this and two hours later take these."

Regina placed pills on the coffee table. With narrowed eyes Emma tried to catch those.

"Emma, no, I said in two hours," Regina pushed the younger woman back, hands on her shoulders, with an internal eye roll. Wasn't she talking simple enough to follow? "Do you need shower?"

Emma shook her head fast, almost dramatically. How her head didn't start to spin, Regina didn't know. No shower then…

"Try to sleep a little and if you feel sick, don't puke on my couch. I'll take you to the bathroom," she muttered with a sigh again.

Ignoring her better judgement, Regina then leaned close and placed a kiss upon her forehead. She could see Emma was fighting to open her eyes, but those eyelids for sure were too heavy. Two tears ran down Emma's temples. How much the brunette wanted to reach out and wipe away those tears. To fight away her demons, hanging over them like the shadows of the night.

"You are safe here. You are safe with me." Regina tried to smile a little. "I think you really need a shower, though, Swan. I won't look or anything, I promise. Come on, let me get you to bathroom." She slowly tried to get her off the couch. "I'll give you new clothes..."

"Promise?" Emma muttered, moving arm around Regina's neck, trying to get legs under control.

"I promise," Regina said softly; promising something she wasn't really sure about was something, but she wasn't even in a state to comprehend what was going on.

Emma's head rested on her shoulder, holding her so close as was being guided to the bathroom. Regina helped Emma sit on the lid of the toilet. That girl could barely look...

"Okay, look, I'll get you a towel, then I'll wait in the living room. Call for me if you need anything." Regina took the towels from a cupboard and put them on a counter. "Let me get you clothes, then I'll leave."

"'key…"

With fast moves she walked to her bedroom. She took leggings and a tank top with a pair of clean underwear. When back in the bathroom, she saw Emma begin to try to wiggle from the long-sleeved shirt. Soon she did and pressed it close against her chest, covering herself from the brunette's eyes.

"'ank you…" Emma muttered.

"Okay... be careful."

Regina put the clothes on the towel, smiling at her slightly. She closed the door and went to the kitchen to prepare cocoa for Emma and tea, despite the late hour, for herself.


	3. In Her Cups

**IN HER CUPS**

* * *

_EMMA._

* * *

Emma waited for the door to close before she started taking the rest of the clothes off. She felt so sick but tried to keep in down. She got under a cool stream of water as warm only made her feel sicker; stomach getting tight, the taste of acid in the throat. She tried to wash quickly as the water tended to make her sleepy. After drying and getting clothed, what took more time than usual, she failed. Perhaps for the better as who would want to risk not getting in the bathroom on time.

"God..." she dragged herself up to clean her mouth with water and flushed the toilet.

The blonde noticed a mouthwash and didn't hesitate to use it. Only then she felt like facing the woman who saved her from this stupidity. The very thought, though, made her feel nauseous all over again.

Regina was pouring cocoa in a mug, sipping her tea slowly meanwhile as Emma excited the bathroom.

"I made you cocoa. I thought you would like that," the brunette muttered, staring at the counter. Emma noticed her fidget her hands, lick her plump lips.

The corners of Emma's lips lifted gently. She probably should fill her stomach with something nice. She noticed that the image wasn't spinning anymore. It was still quite blurred but it was better. The shower, after all, worked its wonders and the first effects of the large amount of alcohol she drank got washed away.

"Are you feeling any better?" only then did Regina look up at her and her breath hitched as their eyes met.

"Yea..." Emma whispered.

Nothing but single words could form in her mouth. Green eyes tried to catch clear imagine of the woman she felt everything for.

"Come here..."

Regina suddenly moved around the island and moved her arms around the small form. She still smelt of alcohol, although it now mixed with the scent of apples and almonds.

"I miss you.." Regina whispered so slowly that was barely audible.

Emma felt her warmth. Her body flush against her. Still, like a missing piece of the same puzzle they once were. Her face buried in the dark locks and arms wrapped around her so tight, at least it seemed like that to Emma. Her muscles weren't that strong at this moment. Emma breathed in to feel this sweet scent she missed every time she was alone. And not only then. These days she once more found herself feel so lonely in the crowd.

Slowly tears began to roll down her cheeks, fingers hold onto Regina's shirt tight, so afraid of letting go of her like she did last time. She regretted nothing more than walking out of that prom…

Regina moved fingers in her wet golden hair, caressing slowly.

"Your cocoa is getting cold," the woman muttered close to Emma's ear as they just stood there, tightly cuddled, making no move to part.

They were both clearly hanging onto something which was long gone...

For a second it felt as if everything was okay again, though. The feeling taking her back to the good times they once had. Emma didn't want it to go away but then it did as Regina pulled away at last.

The blonde moved both arms around herself and wiped away the tears quickly. She felt like a small girl again. A little orphan who had run away at the age of seven, tearing up the books to get some heat from the fire. Closing herself with both arms like an armor, facing the dangerous life of living on the city's streets. Only then she had no one to miss. No one she knew or at least remembered.

Seemed like basic survival even at such a young age was already simpler than dealing with all the mental and emotional pain. And the loss.

"If you are hungry I can fix you something. Mal will close up soon so maybe it will be better for you stay here the night. You can take the bed. I am not feeling like sleeping at all." Regina patted Emma's shoulder softly, then walked towards her painting room. "If you need anything help yourself or just call me. I'll be here or downstairs playing the piano."

Emma nodded gently, not trusting her voice at all now. Regina was helping her and it was so much already… she couldn't ask for more. It was too hard for them both... she knew.

Emma made her way to the counter to take the warm cocoa, softly thanking Regina once more before taking a sip and watching her disappear behind the door. Her legs carried her back to the couch. She sat to drink the liquid before falling down on it, eyelids feeling so heavy. New tears came from underneath them.

Will she ever learn how to move on? She loved Regina so deeply and it never wanted to go away…

Would anyone understand that? It wasn't even about Regina's beauty, her complex personality or the desire they felt for each other. No… It was the way she felt around this woman. The sense of security. A shelter. A feeling no one could provide her with… Home. Regina was her home. A place she had been on a search for her entire life. And now she experienced the feeling of losing it.

* * *

Emma was weak and it hadn't taken long for her to drift off. It only seemed like a minute or two before she heard a beautiful music. It made her eyes open when the angelic voice mixed with it as well. It was so quiet thanks to what she could recognize the words.

_"Is there anybody going to listen to my story_

_All about the girl who came to stay_

_She's the kind of girl who wants so much it makes you sorry_

_Still you don't regret a single day_

_Oh girl girl girl_

_When I think of all the time I've tried so hard to leave her_

_She will turn to me and start to cry_

_She promises the world to me and I believe her_

_After all this time I don't know why_

_Oh girl girl girl.."_

Slowly, she sat up and her heart squeezed. She just stayed enchanted. It was so emotional and Emma knew it came from Regina's heart. It was in reality maybe an hour that she was sleeping, but it made her mind a little bit clearer.

All that she could see in the mind now was Regina's look, her eyes. They were dark, dimmed. Filled with pain. With sorry. With sorrow.

Emma had wondered before if she was with Melanie now, started a new kind of a relationship, but… that kiss in the bathroom. Emma now knew what it was; a desperation for escape. As it always has. Neither of them knew how to deal with a heartbreak… Emma couldn't blame Regina for it. Neither she would be able to blame her for moving on - if such thing would have occured.

Emma swallowed down the pills and carefully walked to those stairs and down. She dropped quietly at the bottom and, resting head against the rail, she watched Regina play so beautifully.

How she missed her… Every short second of the day and night. With every cell of the body. Emma's eyes filled with tears, wondering… was it too late to fix it?

Regina stopped the song when words seemed to stuck in her throat. Yet it only took two sips of, what seemed like, cold tea before another song began.

_"Yesterday_

_All my trouble seemed so far away_

_Now it looks is they're here to stay_

_Oh I believe in yesterday_

_Suddenly_

_I'm not half the man I used to be_

_There is a shadow hanging over me_

_Oh yesterday came suddenly_

_Why she had to go I don't know_

_She wouldn't say_

_I said something wrong_

_Now I long for yesterday_

_Yesterday_

_Love was such an easy game to play_

_I need a place to hide away_

_Oh I believe in yesterday_

_Why she had to go I don't know_

_She wouldn't say_

_I said something wrong_

_Now I long for yesterday…_

_Yesterday_

_Love was such an easy game to play_

_I need a place to hide away_

_Oh I believe in yesterday…"_

Regina's eyes closed for a second as the woman rested her forehead against the piano. A few tears dropped down on the keys, which she dismissed with back of her hand.

How a song could express everything that happened to them. An old song. Seemed like such stories has to be as old as time. Love wasn't easy. Not at all. And people are stupid in nature, they make lots of mistakes… Sometimes they choose to live it until the end. Sometimes the choose the end, sometimes they wait.

Emma didn't want to keep waiting until the end of the world with nothing but longing for the long lost love.

The blonde got up and began to approach the brunette, who herself was in such pain. The brunette jumped from the seat with a cracking sound of the wooden floor. She turned towards the stairs, wiping her cheeks immediately.

"Did I wake you-?"

Their eyes met then and Emma didn't know what she was doing. What she should do… She found herself reaching to cup the wet cheek and pull her close. Not forcefully but softly. And her lips gently pressed against Regina's. Almost as if scared to put too much pressure at once.

It was probably her drunken mind. She wouldn't dare to do this being all sober… that was the only thing she was certain of. She was a runaway after all. If she only could, she would run away from there as well. Escape from the embarrassment, all the bad things Regina had to think of her now. From the pity she could notice for a second in those eyes. But most of all, she would run away, knowing that it was just a matter of time for her to lose control, having Regina so close. She would run away from mistakes she yet didn't even manage to make.

Until now.

At first Regina seemed frozen but then… It didn't take long for the kiss to get firmer with the longing they both clearly felt.

The fear of rejection was so terribly strong. Yet, somehow like this, all Emma could do was to follow the need of her heart. And when those lips pressed against her firmer and firmer, more tears filled her eyes.

Regina grasped onto her waist and pulled her ex lover on her lap. Still wet locks brushed against the brunette's face when her lungs started to hurt from much needed oxygen. One hand moved to the blonde hair to pull her face closer to Regina's.

_She didn't pull away…_

What was happening? What will happen tomorrow? It was a mystery that hold more and more fear. But at this very moment she was with a woman she missed so dearly and she felt so happy… For the first time in a year she felt real joy…

Her fingers gently caressed the soft cheeks as their breaths were melting together. Then moved into the dark locks as slightly swollen lips kept moving against each other.

God, wasn't it the very next dream? Dream she had dreamt every single night since they parted. The dream of feeling the very woman by her side, the feeling of her plump soft lips brushing against her soft skin and lips. The gentle, mindful touches. It was what she longed for the most and what kept haunting her every time her eyes closed. _Is it yet another dream?_ It felt way too real, though.

The pink lips began to tremble against Regina's. Her chin did too as she was breaking.

"I'm sorry… I-I'm so so s-orry…"

Emma began to sob, her forehead rested against Regina's shoulder. Her hands moved down as well, holding onto her tightly. They began to move over Regina's back and neck, as if making sure this was really Regina, still. The older woman moved her hand down to her hip, then her ass to pull her to her lap closer.

"Shh, it's okay," her lips caressed Emma's jawline as she whispered. When her lips were on her ear she purred. "I forgive you. I miss you." She bit her earlobe, opening her eyes. "I miss you so much."

Regina's both hands moved over her hips, resting there with a tight hold.

"I miss you too…." Emma whispered between sobs. Her nails dug into Regina's shirt, holding her so tight as if that should prevent her from sudden disappearing. "I missed you so much… I'm sorry…"

It was her fault she knew… She made them both suffer too much…

Emma's arms moved then around Regina's neck. Shirt over Regina's shoulder was all wet from her tears. Her thighs hugged Regina's hips so tightly, cuddling to her like a little monkey.

"Don't let me go… Please..." she begged, thinking she wouldn't survive it again, being away from Regina with body and heart.

"Never..."

Regina's hands moved under her ass and she grabbed her as she stood up from her seat. She struggled to carry her, even though Emma was much lighter now. She moved to the wall besides the stairs and pressed Emma's back against it, resting for a minute. Emma gasped heavily. With those breaths and tears on the cheek, they could only gravitate towards each other, their lips melting together again.

"I will never let you go. Not again. Not ever again," Regina whispered between kisses, which she now dropped to her swan-like pale neck.

Regina gently squeezed her ass cheeks, her lips closed on her pulse point. Emma was completely breathless. Her eyes just closed, leaving her neck on display. But she was shaking underneath. It was just to much at once. And her system was weakened by that big amount of alcohol she drank.

"'Gina…" Emma whispered.

The name didn't roll from her tongue for such a long time… She felt conflicted now. She wanted to feel Regina with all of herself but there was some fear. Her mind tried to remind her of something but it worked too slow. Instead, she just unwrapped legs and carefully stood on her own feet. Her hands guided Regina's face back up to meet her lips again.

Regina sighed. Their lips kept meeting again and again. But it was Regina who stepped back. It made something turn in Emma's stomach. Didn't Regina deal with her troubles with closeness? Wasn't she craving it now?

Was _she_ craving it? In a way… god, she did so much. Then why was there a red light in her mind, glowing so bright, makin her pause. Making her unwilling to fight back.

Things changed. That was clear. And it changed for both of them...

"You should sleep really."

Regina touched her cheek gently, stroking the soft skin. Without a wait, the brunette took her hand and led her upstairs. Emma followed her and into her bedroom. She sat on the bed and watched Regina by the wardrobe.

"I'll take a few clothes and you can sleep peacefully."

Regina took out a pair of legging and a tank top from her wardrobe, then a blanket out with an extra pillow.

"Stay with me..." Emma whispered quietly.

When she asked her not to let go, she also meant literally. She needed Regina so close. She needed it because she was so scared if she will walk away now, she will disappear forever again.

"I… I can't sleep in the same bed with you. I... I slept in this bed with Mal. I just can't," Regina shook her head and bit her lip as she left her bedroom fast.

Emma's eyes fell. It was hurting but… She understood why Regina had been doing that with Melanie. She tried it as well, but it didn't work... She had experimented with many things after all. Regina needn't worry, though. Emma wouldn't go down the same path of mistakes. Not this certain one, at least.

Emma swallowed, feeling so shaken inside. She just wanted her close… Would they have to sleep anywhere at all, but she needed her… It was they only thought that kept rushing through her mind. The only sentence, the only feeling, craving. She got up and slowly opened the door. Peaking she noticed Regina's bare back–

"I'm sorry," the girl muttered and made the slit smaller, looking down at the floor. "Please… Can- can I stay with you?" She was so vulnerable asking for it.

"Just..." Regina gulped, rolling eyes. "Let me dress up. "

Emma nodded, even though she didn't know if Regina was looking. She kept her eyes down, just listening to the ripple of clothes as Regina was pulling them on.

"You may come in."

Regina sat on the couch, placing the pillow at one end. Emma's legs felt so weird, as if they weren't hers as she walked closer. Fingers brushed half-dry hair behind ear. Her eyes met Regina's deep ones. She felt quite lost looking into them.

Will they ever mend? Was Regina really meaning it? Would they return into each other's lives? More and more questions appeared in her head but it wasn't the time to answer them. Emma had a feeling, though, that they will have to build everything back, brick by brick.

They had changed and even though they looked exactly the same. It felt like there was a huge gap between them. They didn't know the woman they desperately loved...

Emma sat beside Regina at last and gently slid hand into hers. Her eyes were still very much glassy. She didn't know what to say… So she just whispered,

"Lay down..?"

Regina nodded and did as she was told. Emma took the blanket and tucked Regina in before going down on the pillow herself. The brunette turned to her side so now she was facing Emma.

"Do you want me to wake you up in the morning?"

Regina's slender finger moved on Emma's high cheek bone slowly, staring in her green eyes in the dim light. She then pulled her lip between her teeth, torturing the swollen muscle.

Emma nodded softly and gently brushed thumb over her bottom lip, freeing it from the teeth's hold. Green eyes looked into brown so deeply. Her thumb moved down to her jaw.

"What day is it tomorrow?" Emma asked then in a whisper.

Her mind too blur to remember that information. Was it Friday today? Or Thursday? She just wanted to ask Regina if she would like to speak with her when no alcohol will be rushing through her system anymore. Emma didn't know if she would be so reckless to drink so much if there were going to be classes the next day. But with how she felt after seeing Regina after all this time, everything was possible.

"Thursday..." Regina purred slowly, letting Emma touch her lips. "I will wake up early either way to open cafe," she shrugged a little. Her thumb moved against Emma's cheekbone still. "Do you have anywhere to be?"

Emma nodded slowly, but with a gentle frown. Her mind seemed so messy. She wasn't able to follow her own actions. She had to be really stupid… But well… She didn't listen to her brain at all lately. How well she knew how bad or dangerous certain things were, she did them anyway.

"I live in a dorm," she admitted. Emma never turned her gaze away. "What will happen?" she asked yet another question. Right now she was turned into a little, scared child, afraid of tomorrow. "Will you truly never let me go?"

Were those words honest? Or will Regina not want to know her and see her anymore. She needed a solid ground to know where she was standing. She didn't need false hope...

"Will you ever leave me again?" Tears welled in Regina's eyes as she said it. "How am I supposed to trust you, Emma?"

Emma shook her head _'no'_ and tears blurred her vision again. She thought that after that year there would be no more tears to spare but they kept coming all the time.

"I never really wanted to leave you…" she whispered so quietly, weakly.

"I can't talk about it now..." Regina whispered then and turned her back to Emma. "Good night," she added with a little sniff. She moved an arm under the pillow hugging herself with the other.

Emma closed her eyes so tight. Tears fell but she tried everything not to break again. Minute passed after minute and Emma actually prayed to fall asleep. And as soon as she calmed down next memories began to fill her mind.

She broke the promise…. Regina once begged her to never leave her and she did… Tears appeared again as she dreamt those memories. They were supposed to make it. Emma should have been more patient. Should have at least say _"I will call you."_ Anything. Anything that wouldn't let Regina think they were breaking up…

* * *

There was a sound of an alarm and a feeling of a blanket being pulled tightly around her. Shifts on the couch. Then soft words, "I am going down to open for the day. You may sleep as much as you need. I left two painkillers right on the coffee table."

Emma hummed softly in answer. She was so sleepy and her head pounding that she didn't really hear every single word. She was now very much sober and events from last night didn't really got to her just yet within the cloudy mind of hers. She just buried face in the pillow. The scent calmed her down so much. The most wonderful scent she has ever known.

_Regina…_

How long was it that the name loud and clear appeared in her mind, making her eyes to open. She looked around seeing unfamiliar room she was in. The dots slowly began to create a pattern and images from last night began to fill her thoughts, heart began to beat so fast.

_Oh god…_

Emma went on a search of her clothes, trying to clear her mind as soon as she found the strength to move up. God, she was such a chicken. She found a note and pills and was so scared to go downstairs… She found her clothes all smelling of alcohol. It made her so sick…

Finally, she took a grip and after making sure she looked quite presentable, as there might be people in the cafe already, and went downstairs. It was right then when she saw Regina almost stumble and take a hold on the island. It made Emma rush to her without thinking. She gently took a hold on her waist.

"God, are you okay?" her voice was filled with such worry. Regina's olive skin seemed now pale.

"I am fine dear, my blood sugar must have dropped," Regina opened her eyes then hopped a sugar cube to her mouth without thinking. "I'll be fine." Regina smiled a little, then turned back to the coffee she was pouring into paper cup.

Emma nodded softly and let go, swallowing hard. It was clear Regina wasn't really ready for that. Nor was she ready. She felt freakin lost. Unsure what to do and hating herself for doing nothing. She couldn't distract Regina from her customers. But she was really concerned with her dizziness.

"Here you go, Tiffany." Regina smiled to her customer, giving her the change. "Have nice day."

It took minutes of avoiding gazes and taking orders from filled tables, before Regina finally turned to Emma.

"Do you want anything?" she was putting coffee into the espresso machine as she asked that.

"I'm fine. But you should eat something." It was all the care speaking through Emma. "Please. Your head will be killing you and you will start feeling sick. I can prepare something upstairs if you let me…"

The blonde girl didn't want to be pushy but she knew Regina. She would now say she had lots to do and shall eat later. And as expected...

"Mal will bring me something, don't bother," Regina whispered, turning to face her.

Emma's heart sank a little at just the very mention of Melanie's name. She sighed, more angry at herself as this woman did so much for Regina… But still… There was always that jealousy. Emma has never before saw herself as a jealous person, until being with Regina.

"Do you remember anything from last night?" she asked pouring milk into the espresso cups.

"Some," Emma answered as lots of things between buying drink and waking up to the sound of music was really blurry.

"Exactly my point. Don't go wasted like that again. I mean, it's not my business, but still, for old times sake." Regina shrugged, putting cups on a trey and started moving along the tables with skilled steps passing the cups to her customers.

Emma leaned heavily against the counter, not saying a word more until Regina came back and she was soft when reaching for her wrist.

"I don't remember everything but I remember… how we talked- and kissed," Emma looked down, liking her dry lips. "I'll go now but… will you give me a chance to talk?" Emma whispered, feeling a rock in her throat.

"I am done with trusting you, Swan. You wanna talk? You know where to find me. But don't expect me to wait for you to come back. I may have forgiven you but I don't trust you. You have to earn it back." Regina pulled her hand away. "Have a nice day, Swan."

Emma tried to stay still and not let her emotions be shown. She was stupid for allowing herself to have the slightest hope when Regina said she wouldn't let her go. She feared that and asked again. But even then she thought that perhaps today they could talk this through… She understood Regina was so very much hurt by her and she didn't expect they would walk over the rainbow again as if nothing has happened.

Emma was about to turn around when Melanie came.

"Babygirl, I brought you breakfast," the older blonde held a bag of bagels up in the air as she walked to the counter. Only then did she notice Emma. "Oh, you are still here. Are you feeling better? You looked pretty shitty yesterday," the woman admitted, placing the bag on the counter.

Emma just nodded with a slight smile that faded quickly.

"Regina, can you brew me tea? I'll deal with the empty cups."

The older blonde was already tying an apron around her waist and went for dirty cups. Regina smiled at her for a second.

"You sure you don't want anything? They say I have the best coffee in town."

"No…" Emma shook her head to Regina. "Thanks for taking care of me. I'll go get my things..."

Not waiting for any more words, she turned around to head to the stairs. How… How could she do that if Regina didn't even wanted to listen to her now? Emma wiped away a single tear. She was so fed up with breaking all over again…

She was so tired...

Emma changed into those smelly clothes and left Regina's borrowed nicely on the couch. She found the phone and another exit from the building, not wanting to face Regina like that again. She noticed couple of texts and missed calls from Ruby and Belle. It looked as they were pretty freaked out about her absence.

_'I'm heading to the dorm room now. I'm fine. Chill.'_

Emma tried to calm her emotions but eyes kept being glassy. She really needed to chill in order to do something about it…

When she entered the room she saw her roommate and both friends sitting on her bed. _Great…_ She hated them seeing her like that…

"Jeez, Emma," Ruby shot up right away from her spot and jumped to her. "Have you dropped into tequila bottle or something?" the tall girl wiggled her nose. "Are you drunk? Where have you been? Emily called us when you never showed up."

Belle stood up as well, taking a glass to fill it with water.

"You haven't called us after your date with Lucy two days ago and I swear I would call David if you didn't texted in the morning," Belle gave her a glare.

Emma sighed deeply and went to the wardrobe. She knew her friends were worried but she really didn't want them to look at her being like that.

"Emily saw me last day. It's not like I completely disappeared," Emma said, taking t-shirt and fresh jeans from the shelf. "Turn around, please?" Emma already began to take off her shirt to put the fresh one.

"This is where you say sorry and explain, Ems!" Ruby rolled her eyes at Bella's antics.

"I'm fine. Okay? That's it."

She didn't dare to look at them as they would notice her puffy eyes. She really closed off from others because how long can they be patient with her humors? What was she supposed to say? That she saw Regina and her heart was literally bleeding?

"C'mon, Ems, you don't talk to us anymore," Ruby insisted and Emma just shook her head, hiding away to put on clean panties and jeans. "Will you tell us anything? Like what happened that night. We know you don't want to talk about _her_ but it's been a year and she is a bitch for leaving you. Just... you need to move on," Ruby sighed, sitting on her bed as Belle gave Ruby a glare.

Did Ruby had just called Regina a _bitch_?

"What did you say?!" Emma said with fury in her red eyes, stepping out, but then Belle stepped between them.

"No no, she didn't mean like that, Ems," Belle tried to get between the two girls.

"Oh, didn't she? Don't. You. Ever. Dare. To call her _that_. Ever. Again!" Emma said so angrily. She was over emotional. And who knew if she wouldn't respond even in an aggressive way.

Ruby moved back in bed in shock of Emma's reaction. No, she clearly didn't see that one coming.

"Ems… calm down, I didn't mean to say that."

Belle held Emma out of reach. The blonde shook her head and stopped herself from kicking anything, but also freed herself from her friend's hold. She needed a work-out… Anything to push this frustration out of her system.

"Emily, can you leave us alone?" the blonde asked.

They barely knew each other because Emma didn't let her in. She didn't let anyone in. And she didn't need to witness Emma's problems and anger. She didn't know if she would even say it…

Emily only nodded and took her backpack from the floor. It took just a few seconds to toss a few things into it and sneak out through the door, leaving the three young women all alone.

"Emma, we are just worried. Jeff and Graham are also worried. Please, talk to us so maybe we can help. We never saw you two leaving and then you both disappeared."

Emma moved fingers into her hair, holding onto the head. She as if she was completely losing her mind… It was terrifying… Emma now was seriously scared of herself more than ever before.

Belle touched Emma shoulder before pulling her into her arms. Emma's eyes just closed so tight being in the embrace.

"Please, talk to me, Emma," the bookworm whispered to her ear.

"I'm sorry..." the blonde girl muttered, afraid to see shock and fear in Ruby's eyes again. Her legs got weak and she let got of Belle to drop over the edge of the bed. "I saw her… Okay?" Emma said with a weak voice, her eyes still closed.

Belle sat by Emma, not touching her anymore, though. Ruby crawled to end of the bed, whispering,

"You saw her? She is in Boston? I thought she left."

"I saw her and it's destroying me. Because I know how much I hurt her. And I don't think if I will ever be able to live with that guilt... and without her." Her head dropped, long hair cutting her face from the view.

"Emma what happened that night?" Belle was staring at the blonde girl with worry in her eyes. "We can't help you if you don't talk to us. She loves you so much. I am sure she will forgive you whatever you have done." Belle started to caress her hair softly.

"She was head over heels for you, Emma. She will come to terms," Ruby whispered.

Emma hasn't said a thing to them in a year. Nothing but that she lost Regina. It hurt too much to tell what happened every person who asked. She only dared to mention things on a therapy. But in that case, it did nothing to help her. Problem wasn't in her mind but heart. How could she just open up to them again. Emma sniffed, not even noticing new tears.

"Lucy took me to her cafe. I didn't know it until I saw her. And... And yesterday after classes I felt like shit and went to a bar to get wasted. I don't really remember how things went but Regina took care of me..." Emma wiped away those tears. "And that night did a cruel thing 'cause it gave me hope and then–" Emma's voice died out as she began to shake inside again.

"Emma, stop pissing around the topic and tell us exactly what happened during the prom and last night. For God's sake!" Ruby couldn't stop herself.

"How is she? Her Cafe? Is it close?" Belle asked instead, still caressing Emma's back. "Come here."

The tiny girl pulled her close so Emma could rest against her chest. The blonde kept sniffing, but didn't fight it, just leaned into her heavily. Belle was a quiet girl, much like Emma so they better understood each other. Ruby was more open and extravagant.

"Near the center… The cafe is beautiful. And so many people love it… She makes the best coffee…" Emma smiled sadly. She hated herself so much… So much… "Knowing her… I don't think she's doing best emotionally."

"Maybe she was trying... have a thought about it? It was not about giving you hope but her trying to make sense of everything. She loved you so dearly, Emma. She gave up her life to be with you, you know that."

"She said she forgives me but- there's no trust and I don't know how to earn it back. How should I tell her I never meant for things to end? I was just hurt… I'd never give up on her like that. It wasn't what I did…"

Was it anything but bubbling? Did that make any sense to her friends?

"She can't know if you don't talk to her, Emma. And if you really love her and I know you do, work for her trust. Show her how much she means to you. Go slow, be her friend again first," Belle whispered as Ruby tried to wrap her head around it all.

"I'm scared she won't want to listen. We never were good at that… Talking of things that hurt us…"

Emma wanted to fight… Fight as hell. Just those fears were so strong. Perhaps because if all the ache she was feeling. She saw Regina just twice and it has been so much to take… Perhaps she should allow them both to take a breath?

"What do you mean you didn't want things to end like that? How did they end, Ems? You don't make sense," Ruby muttered, sighing. Belle turned to her to give a dirty look. "Bells, stop looking me like that already. I am trying to understand what happened between them."

"Grow up then, Rubs," Belle rolled her eyes. "It doesn't matter what happened. Now, now matters."

Emma licked her lips and looked between the two girls.

"I was just hurt 'cause I almost didn't see Regina at all. And she had to leave the prom," Emma shrugged gently. "She was the only reason why I even wanted to go there. I wanted that prom just to have a wonderful time with her and knowing she will leave, I just saw no point in it. So I walked away. I just wanted to go home..." Emma explained quietly. "Regina thought it was me breaking up with her. But I just couldn't find my voice to say anything… Anything that would make her wait for me..."

"Then you didn't even call her to explain? What kind of idiot are you, Ems?!" It was time for Belle to raise her voice. "You just let her go? God, I can't believe you," she took a breathe as Ruby shrugged a little.

"It's more complicated than that," Emma muttered, not even sure if they had heard her.

"I know what you feel. You were jealous because she put her time in that cafe more, but still, she was building a possible life for you two, Ems. And we all saw how bad she was feeling because she needed to leave," Ruby added, moving to sit on other side of the blonde. "You need to talk to her. Or talk to her sister first, or her friend, or... I don't know, pick it somewhere and fix it. You are so agonizingly in love with each other."

Emma closed eyes because she knew how stupid she was. A call- After some time also sent a text but never got any answer. She should have spoken to Zelena… If she only knew where the cafe was and where Regina has moved… she would for sure go there. If not for-

"I know… I hate myself for being so stupid." Emma cuddled to Belle gently. She nodded against her then. "I really need to calm first… It may be my only chance. I cannot lose it…"

Perhaps she should go on the therapy first. Or better, just get it out like she always did - drawing. She got up to seat by the table grabbing the pencil. It just began to move against the paper. If there was any clear vision of what to draw in her mind, the blonde wasn't aware of it, her hand just moved on it's own.

Ruby and Belle watched Emma for a while, then they stood up.

"Ems... we should leave you, I think. Just… don't shut us out again."

They hugged the sitting form, one after the other. Small smiles over their faces.

"Text me, okay? And give us the address of the cafe. Maybe we can talk to her too," Ruby patted her back then they left.

Emma looked at them with her puffy eyes. She nodded in agreement gently and wrapped one arm in an embrace around them.

"...thank you," she whispered with a weak smile.

They both made her, yet again, feel like the last loser but also they kicked her to do something about it. Emma looked at the paper and what she saw was something that was very familiar to one of the photos she took of Regina. If she didn't have to draw or paint a certain thing, she always ended up picturing her lost lover.

* * *

_**Thursday, evening** _

Emma didn't have lots of classes today. She went on a long walk after finishing and took her new camera to take some photos in the park. She was gathering her thoughts and also courage. She was so scared that if she went to Regina, she would wave her off. She had every right to but… Emma had a chance to fix it. One she wasn't going to allow to just pass by.

Emma had no idea if Regina will be this evening at the cafe , but she had to try as she gathered all courage she possibly could. She tried to remind herself that fear could only keep her from something good. She had to try.

The blonde heard beautiful music and knew Regina was inside. She entered slowly, eyes immediately on the lost love of hers. Emma gave her a tight, soft smile, closing the door. With one more deep breath, she approached.

"Hey… I'm sorry I left without a proper goodbye. I just..." Emma licked her lips and nervously brushed a strand of hair behind her ear, "...anyway. Would you go with me for a walk after closing up? To talk… I'll wait."


	4. Chapter 4

**_PEA IN THE POD_ ** ****

* * *

_REGINA._

* * *

_ Thursday, forenoon. _

Melanie was serving and there were no new customers so Regina had a moment to sit down and enjoy as well as bagels. Zelena would be coming tonight and she would tell her about the major turn she had taken in her life. One that didn’t at all involve  _ Emma _ ... God, she hoped Zelena would not be too mad and actually understand why she was doing it.

“How about,” Melanie suddenly started, cleaning up the counter, “I’ll go to a restaurant and get you a piece of lasagna, hm?” the blonde asked as Regina tended to skip meals and now… now she had to take extra care of herself.

“I am fine, Mal, it’s not like I don’t eat. I just ate a full bagel sandwich. Give me a break,” Regina sighed, taking the last sip. She wasn't a baby Melanie needed to take care of. She was mostly feeling sick with a full stomach anyway. “Can you close tonight? Zee is coming and I need to tell her about… you know what,” the brunette smiled sweetly at her friend. 

Whenever she thought about it, she knew she was doing the right thing, the only thing she could do.

“Of course,” Melanie agreed and offered a light smile. 

“If you hear something’s crushing upstairs, come and save me. She tends to get mad when I do things  _ instinctively _ .”

“Go lay down then, ‘Gina. I’ll take care of everything. You look like you’ve barely slept and you need your rest.”

Regina nodded slowly, even though she hated leaving her cafe in Melanie’s hands. Melanie had been nothing but helpful since the day-- the day she never liked thinking of. Yet, the brunette still had a hard time letting someone be the assistance she very much needed, so freely and willingly. As if she was waiting for the moment that she'd be dumped again. She didn't want to attach too much; at least emotionally which was a harder job than it should've been. Still, Melanie didn’t have too much to do since Lily had left to New York for college and she was there for Regina, regardless of the fear Regina had deep down.

“Thank you, Mal.” 

Regina gave her a peck on her cheek before heading upstairs. She hadn’t had a good night’s sleep at all last night after all. How could she… centimetres away from the woman who had the ability to turn all her life upside down within a single look. 

She crushed on the couch and fell asleep curling her legs close to her chest. Her dreams once more were filled with sensation and sweetness of the smooth pink lips she felt all too well just last night...

Regina woke up with a couple of text messages on her mobile. It was Zelena telling her she was on her way.  _ Why can’t she just write it all in one straight text?  _ Regina rolled her eyes, before rubbing the back of her hand against them. She had slept all afternoon? God, she hated being tired like this. She sat up then heard her door opening. 

“Hey…” 

Melanie must have let Zelena know where she was. She should have read the last text telling her  _ ‘I came, where are you?’ _ She yawned a little.

Zelena smiled gently as she took off her coat. 

“Hey, sisi.” The redhead hung it on a hook and walked to Regina to hug her tight. “Next good day at the cafe, I see. But you… Are you feeling okay, ‘Gina?” 

Of course her sister would be worried. It was so unlike her to sleep in the afternoon. Zelena immediately checked her temperature, apparently concerned she might be getting sick.

“I am fine, Zee,” Regina sighed, “more than fine actually.” 

Regna held a hand on her belly and closed her eyes tight. She took a deep breath. Better sooner than later. She didn’t want to wait any longer to share the news. 

“I... I’m pregnant.” 

Regina smiled nervously as she opened her eyes to look at Zelena. She didn’t know how she would react but she was almost certain she would get mad at some point. Because it was a  _ child  _ and she probably wouldn’t see her ready to raise them. But she needed this little baby, she wanted this child almost more than anything in the world. 

“Zee… Zee, say something...” she took her still slightly swollen lip between her teeth, staring at her older sister.

“Regina… How–? Why… you haven’t told me you were planning this? Are you sure you are ready?” 

Zelena looked-- actually terrified. Her sister had a reason, though. She had so much on her head already and the headache was something Zelena could always see these days. Who knows when hormones will kick... There were so many things she was scared of now herself.

“Zee, calm down… it’s just five weeks old or something...”  _ Or something? _ She was counting _ each day _ , but now she was just a bubble of nerves. She wanted it to live so much. Her hold on her belly got firmer. “I want them, Zee. I want them so much. And before you ask, I don’t know the father. I got the sperm from the sperm bank.” 

Zelena breathed in so deeply. Regina knew her sister would understand her motives. Understand why she needed to carry this small creature inside of her now - to fill hole in her heart. 

“I’m not certain it’s the best time but… I’ll support you. I’ll be here, as always, sisi.”

The redhead got closer and moved arms around her sister’s small form to pull her in a tight embrace. Regina rested her head in the crook of Zelena’s neck, the thick locks tickling her smooth skin.

There was still one more thing she needed to break to Zelena. 

“I saw Emma yesterday and the day before, and well, this morning,” the younger sister bit her lower lip, escaping the green eyes. “I told her I forgave her. She was a real mess and I-”

"Yesterday and today morning?” Deep frown appeared on Zelena’s face. “And she was a mess— What kind of mess, Regina? You slept with her?! Please, tell me you didn’t… Jesus! What exactly happened?”

All that news wasn't expected at all, that much was clear.

“God, of course I didn’t! Well, we slept together but not like that. On the couch and we didn’t even cuddle,” Regina sighed.

God, she would probably have sex with her if she didn’t stop when Emma was pressed against the wall… If not the ache in her heart, if not everything she had learned during the therapy, if not feeling like she would be taking advantage of Emma’s drunken state. 

“I ran into her a few blocks away. She was so wasted and I just couldn’t leave her. I took her with me and gave her a place to stay after she showered. Well, we might have kissed a few times, yes, but that was it. She said she was sorry and, God, Zee... she was crying and I just couldn’t-- this morning I told her I don’t trust her and then she fled.” 

Regina gulped, rubbing the back of her hand against her glassy eyes. God, wasn’t she just worth fighting for? Zelena’s eyes softened seeing all those emotions appear on Regina’s face. The taller woman pulled her close in the embrace. 

"It will be okay… You know her. She’s hurt and she tends to run away and hide to deal with it… But also knowing her, I can guess she will reach out, now knowing where you are. You have to be patient. You want her back, don’t you?” 

“She doesn’t get to be hurt. She left me, Zelena. She. Left. Me. Standing in a freaking parking lot in a fucking dress and heels, and all prepared just for her! She doesn’t get to be hurt.” Regina shook her head, leaning against Zelena. A few tears escaped her eyes, rolling down on her cheeks. “God, I miss her, Zee. I was playing  _ ‘Yesterday _ ’ and she came down and just grabbed my cheeks and kissed me. How I missed her sweet lips... And damn it, I would take her right there you know...” she looked up at her sister, sighing.

Zelena sighed softly herself and moved fingers through Regina’s hair before rubbing her back. As always, she let Regina get it all out and just listened carefully. Regina was the luckiest woman to have her.

"You two need to talk…” Zelena said softly. “She wouldn’t do that if she wasn’t missing you, too. She loved you too much to just move on. I know that much. But you both need to make a step forward. If she wants to fix things, give her a chance, ‘Gina.”

“I am not sure even if she wants to fix it, ‘Lena. She just escaped by the back door. I told her she needed to earn back my trust and she just ran away again...” Regina stopped for a moment and closed her eyes.

"We will see. I understand you may feel like you aren’t going to wait any longer. But perhaps give it a few days. It may appear to be worth it.” 

Zelena’s hands moved up and down Regina’s back as they kept hugging so close.

“I told her I was sleeping with Melanie,” she gulped. 

It was probably not the wisest thing she had done nowadays. _ Fucking hormones…  _ Zelena sighed softly but didn’t comment on that one. Was it what made Emma more scared or not? The redhead guided Regina to the couch.

“Tell me how is it going with Harold. We haven’t had much time to chat.” 

“It’s all good between us. It seems both of us really take it seriously. I think of moving in with him, you know… I just don’t know if it’s not too early for that.”

“What does mother say about it?” Regina raised a brow, smirking. 

God, if she ever knew Cora, she would never let her daughter move in with someone this soon, if not even before the marriage.

"She doesn’t know yet. As I said, it’s something we consider. I didn’t give him a straightforward answer yet,” Zelena smiled fondly, thinking of it, visibly daydreaming.

“Okay, fine, fine, tell me about how good he is in bed,” she giggled. It took her mind from those bothering stuff. Zelena gave her a look. “Hey, be careful, pregnancy was my choice, I would hate it if you got pregnant accidentally,” Regina chuckled a little.

“He is good. Very good. But you won’t get to walk in on us.”

“What a shame,” Regina laughed, holding onto her sister. 

* * *

Zelena left soon after since she was going on a date with Harold. Regina asked her to bring him over sometime too. It was almost 9 P.M. when Regina went down to the cafe. She dismissed Melanie, telling her she could deal with it alone since there were not too many people around. After all, the woman also needed to take care of herself as well, right? Have a breath or a quiet night with a glass of wine. 

Melanie was very much careful not to drink anything around Regina, much to Regina's dismay. She could deal with it; she was a big girl, right? It was a good thing they still had separate homes. Regina didn't want Melanie to move in, take a step too far. It was just a rebound for her, and well, she hoped the blonde knew it as well. And now, when Melanie wasn't around, she could have a lone night of mourning too. A win-win situation… if this could be counted as a win.

She was playing piano as the little bell upon the door rang. She turned to the door just to see emerald eyes staring back at her. Her fingers, moving on the keys stopped immediately. She didn’t know if she was ready for it, but still, Emma was there and there was nowhere to run. 

But still, it was Emma and running was  _ Emma’s _ speciality. She could as well turn her back and never come back. Regina wasn't sure which hurt more; being apart or knowing Emma could always leave her behind.

Regina licked her suddenly dry lips, turning her gaze upon the keys, then she closed the piano. She held a hand on her belly to pull her strengths. Being nauseous she was getting used to, but this was all different.

"Hey… I’m sorry I left without a proper goodbye. I just...” Emma licked her lips and nervously brushed a strand of hair behind her ear, “...anyway. Would you go out with me for a walk after closing up? To talk… I’ll wait.” 

Regina pursed her lips, taking a breath through her nostrils. This was more than she thought she'd be hearing. Every cell in her body screamed at her to accept the offer, a kind one daresay, but she wasn't even sure if it could mean anything and given the state of her mentality, she wasn't willing to risk a thing more. There was too much at stake now, more than herself.

“I was going to stay around 1 A.M. or so, since exams are coming up and people tend to like studying here… I don’t know if you would like to stay that much.” 

“If you are willing to… then I will,” Emma shoved her hands into the jeans pockets, her shoulders high.

The brunette shrugged, standing up as some girl walked to the counter to pay for her coffee. Regina gave her the change and smiled at her wishing good evening. 

“Did you eat anything? I was going to order a Chinese takeout. Do you want anything?” 

Weirdly, Chinese was the only takeout she could keep down. It didn't make much sense to her, needing to eat for the baby but throwing up right after she did. Trying not to freak out about it, she wouldn't probably make it to the end of the pregnancy sane if she didn't have a rock like Melanie by her side all from the very start. 

Emma walked to the stool near the counter, by the window. They could, in any case, communicate from there. 

“Um... sure. Whatever you’re having. And actually, I’d use a cup of coffee,” Emma said with a slight smile, taking the wallet from the bag.

“Okay, how do you want it-? Oh no, your money does not count here. Put it back,” Regina shook her head, looking for the restaurants’ numbers on her mobile. 

"Don’t be silly, Regina. You’ve already given me coffee on the house a couple of times,” Emma insisted on paying.

It was different back then… Back then it was as if they shared everything and did everything for each other.

Regina watched Emma look at the menu and her wide rage of choices before dialing the number and pressing the phone into her ear. Two signals and a young girl spoke at the other end.

“Regina Mills speaking. Mhm, yes, I want one sour sweet chicken and a veggie noodle. Yes, I believe you have the address. Yes, that’s it. Thank you,” she hung up, turning back to Emma. “Decided what to drink, dear?” The last word just spilled between her lips out of habit. 

“Um, perhaps iced coconut mocha macchiato.” Emma handed over the bill that should cover the food and coffee. “Keep the charge,” the corners of her lips lifted gently. 

Regina rolled her eyes, but took the money anyway. She was a bit pissed at her antics but Emma had a point. Her lips moved in a thin line as she turned her back to Emma as if she was dealing with the empty cups in the sink. Then new customers came in, her hands still wet.

“I can help out. I’ll wash up all that, key?” the young girl proposed as it was the least she could do.

Regina smiled at her. Normally she wouldn’t accept it but she needed help. Melanie was out, at Regina's own wish. 

“Just be careful. We are still paying,” she muttered but she offered her a sweet smile before taking the apron off. “Tie one around your waist.” 

"Sure thing.” 

Emma smiled back a bit more than before. She took the apron and set it on the hips. Regina moved behind the girl then and tied it right on her waist slowly. She could smell her perfume, which made her close her eyes to inhale deeply. Did Emma’s breath get deeper? Her hands rested on her hips for a brief moment but then she walked to the new customers. 

Yesterday felt more like a dream. Now her heart was going wild just by those simple touches...

The brunette took orders as she kept checking Emma with corner of her eye. The girl instantly went to wash up the dishes, focusing on the task. She came back behind the counter with full list of orders and she started preparing them with fast moves. They kept brushing each other as they worked behind the counter. And they seemed to work in perfect sync. Emma for sure wouldn’t guess it would be so busy at this hour. But she felt good having her hands busy. It gave her some time to calm and think things through. 

“I’ll gather the empty cups,” Emma informed her and brushed fingers over her waist bypassing her to come round the counter. 

Regina inhaled deeply as she felt those slender fingers gliding off her waist through the thin fabric of her top. She closed her eyes for a second and before she knew it, she spilt milk from the mixer. 

“Shit...” 

She put the cup aside and grabbed a cloth to clean the espresso machine. Her eyes turned up shortly, right away catching a pair of emerald ones. She bit her lip, blushing. She shouldn’t have been affected this easily. _ Damn hormones, _ she thought. But Emma looked much more relaxed by now, she couldn’t help but notice.

With a shake of her head, she focused back on her task and made the drinks in a record time. She placed the cups on the tray and started passing them to awaiting people. She had a good memory so generally she didn’t even have to check the owner of the specific order. Having it all done, she went back to prepare Emma’s drink. 

The bell above the door rang and she noticed a delivery guy.

"Want me to pay for it?” the young girl asked, having placed the dirty cups in the sink.

Regina just nodded and passed Emma enough money to cover the bill and a tip. God, was she hungry. Or perhaps this feeling in her stomach had all to do with Emma being so near? 

“Hi there,” Emma approached the man with a genuine smile on her smile and took the boxes before handing him the bill. “See ya.” 

When Emma returned to the counter her gaze wandered around the cafe. As always at this hour, almost every table was filled with books at the side of the coffees or cocoas. It was truly a relaxing sight to watch.

“Seems like there’s some break for us,” Emma smiled gently.

“Mhm,” Regina hummed. “Your drink is ready, by the way.” 

Emma reached for the drink without a second thought. Her eyes seemed darker, pupils widened. Regina smirked under the nose. Emma’s desire for sweets clearly hasn’t changed. Although, her form said something completely different… Deep down, the brunette woman felt concerned with the sight. A few more pounds would do the girl good…

Shaking the thought off, Regina reached for the boxes, filling her nostrils with the warm vapour coming from the inside of the order.

“Mm, it smells so good,” Regina complimented and felt her stomach growl ever so slightly. 

"Thank you,” Emma said, not controlling the board smile. Her tongue moved over the slightly chipped lips; the sight was always so mouthwatering.

Regina grabbed the sweet-sour chicken box first and opened it fast. Only then did she walk to the little table in the corner, where generally nobody wanted to sit and where Regina generally had her meals. 

“Come here...” Regina patted the chair, then right away started eating with those ridiculous sticks. “Mm, they make it so good.” 

Were her cravings beginning to show up? Every flavour spreading over her tastebuds seemed out of earth and there was no way for her to hide the ecstasy. She smiled chewing on it slowly with closed eyes as Emma approached with the other box and coffee in hand. The meal got unwrapped and both women dived into it in silence.

After a few minutes one girl came to them with a book in her hand and asked Regina about the middle age paintings. Regina explained it very carefully until she was satisfied and the girl had her answer. She turned to Emma, who was looking at her. Intensely. She hopped one more chicken and held a hand to her mouth, murmuring, “What?”

The blonde’s fair complexion covered with a shade of pink, being caught staring. 

“Nothing…” the girl shook her head with a soft smile. “Just… It made me think of how you were helping me out in school. It’s nice, what you are doing. I heard people are grateful for help.” 

They slowly were striking up a conversation… Regina could see Emma was being careful, taking baby steps with her. Despite all that, Regina blushed a little herself, hiding her face behind the box as she kept eating in silence for a while. 

“I am doing nothing at all,” she said at last. “I never told anyone I knew it all or whatsoever. They just asked and then I found myself in the middle of art students, explaining them the cultures of different societies,” Regina chewed slowly, thinking.

Emma smiled fondly, listening to her. Her green eyes were much softer now. Regina considered it having good luck now, to get among the group she could share things with. She found pleasure in it. It was a good thing for her… Considering all that had been happening for a while now.

"That sounds nice,” Emma said with that soft smile and took another bite of the noodles. 

“Where are you studying?” 

“Um…” Emma shifted in her seat, quite uncomfortably. “I chose art, too.  _ Boston Arts Academy. _ ”

Regina's head shot up to the answer.  _ Boston Art Academy?!? _ It was her school, her damn major! For a moment she didn't know how to respond to that so she just took a bite. Chewing it, she'd have time to think. 

“Never thought you'd be an art student. I always imagined you more like a cop or something. You’d mentioned considering work in the system,” she shrugged, refusing to make eye contact so she stared down to her half-empty box; she had lost her appetite, though… 

“Always?” Emma just asked and a glimpse in her emerald eyes told Regina she knew… Knew it was one fat lie. 

* * *

**_~*~FLASHBACK~*~_ **

* * *

**_4 years ago, October_ ** **_  
_ ** **_(Emma’s Junior Year)_ **

_ “Miss Swan, a word please.” _

_ Emma stopped dead in the doorway with her heavy backpack hanging on her left shoulder. Her eyes closed for a second. _

_ “Yes, Miss Mills?” Emma asked dryly, turning on her heel to face her. _

_ Regina didn’t take a seat in her place. Instead, she stood by her desk, leaning against it with both hands resting on each side of her hips. They hardly spoke ever since the first day Regina showed up in this very classroom.  _

_ Emma had to have a pretty good guess what it was all about. Definitely not that night in the bar, but school stuff. How maybe Fs had she gotten this month already.  _

_ “Close the door, please,” Regina added, drumming her fingers slowly against the hard surface of her desk.  _

_ The blonde pushed air from her lungs, slowly closing the door. Regina stood straighter then and pushed herself from the surface she was leaning against. Her heels clicked on the floor as she circled her desk to reach for the cupboard she had been keeping student reports in. She took out the papers, which had been written by the very blonde student.  _

_ “Pull up a chair, would you? It’ll take some time.”  _

_ After all it was the second long break and even if it took too much time, she’d write an excuse for the girl. The blonde dropped in the chair of the first desk by the teacher’s, not arguing. _

_ “Did you even read these books?” her head turned to the girl with a perfectly raised brow. _

_ “I’d lie to say I have read them from the first page to the last, but I try,” Emma shrugged softly, joining her hands on top of the wooden surface. “You should have noticed I did understand the plot of most of them.”  _

_ The other tasks were an issue here, though. Regina sighed a bit, taking a seat and leaning back. She crossed her legs, eyeing the girl.  _

_ “Yes, you get the plot but that isn’t the reason we give you those books. It’s not a primary school. You should be able to read between the lines and understand the character's motives and thinking mechanisms to improve your own self-awareness. If I wanted you to get the plot, I’d just make you read the summary of the books,” she sighed again, her shoulders dropping slightly.  _

_ Emma didn’t say a word about that, for sure knowing too well that she wasn’t doing enough. Emma looked from the brunette fast. Something clearly crossing her mind. Something that made Emma shift in her seat, looking so uneasy.  _

_ “I talked to a few of your teachers and they have similar issues with you, Miss Swan. You can do better, you have legs but you seem to not wanting to use that potential to the fullest. Is there anything bothering you? We have all been informed about your situation as the procedure requires and if you are lacking any education you should’ve had, there is no shame in asking for help.” _

_ “Thanks, but I’ll manage,” Emma said fast with her eyes down, her chest going faster now. “Is that it? I don’t want to be late for my next period. I have enough troubles,” Emma muttered, trying to get away from there fast. _

_ Regina pinched the bridge of her nose, closing her eyes. She knew this attitude all too well. At least she knew the reason for it.  _

_ “Miss Swan, I am just trying to help you,” she said after looking right back at her. “And if you are really that uncomfortable with me--”  _

_ Why did the word leave a bad taste in her mouth? The possibility of the girl being uncomfortable in her presence, being intimidated by her… But Emma tried to cut in,“It’s not–” yet closed her mouth fast, knowing better. _

_ “--you should find someone who could help you with these but you really should consider it as an option. This opportunity wouldn’t be given to someone if not for seeing a potential in them. In you.” She stood up dusting off her black pencil skirt. “And this is all now.” _

_ Emma got up, staying silent and got the backpack on her shoulder again. She hesitated midway to the doorway, though.  _

_ “Why would you even offer it?” the blonde asked, changing the tone completely. “I don’t think I’m the best company to occupy your time, Regina.” The green eyes met chocolate at last. “I guess I appreciate it, but let’s stop with all that bullshit and just admit this isn’t a good idea and we both know it.” _

_ Regina had turned to her desk after dismissing Emma to gather her lunch pack, but those words, the use of her name, not her family name but name, got her attention pretty quickly. She turned around with a raised brow.  _

_ “Excuse me?!”  _ How dare she? _ “I’m sorry for trying to help, Miss Swan,” the brunette almost hissed her name, looking at her with narrowed eyes. “I understand, you hate being pitied on but, well, refusing a help like this, looking for something under it, which only has a pure, good intention and nothing more, is pretty rude of you. And, yes, you’re probably right, as sober as I am, I can easily say that by myself, thank you very much,” she said mockingly.  _

_ “What?” Emma snorted. _

_ “Now, if you excuse me, I’ll use my only lunch break to eat instead of wasting it, as you call it, on you.” Regina pointed to the door of her classroom and waited for the blonde to make a move.  _

_ “You think that… what?” Emma raised her brow. _

_ “No, you don’t get to bite the hand feeding you,” Regina said harshly, but Emma kept going. _

_ “That I think I have taken it as something else than an offer for help?” Emma’s shoulders dropped before she shook her head. “I wouldn’t consider it, if I were you. I am just not gonna pretend, okay? I haven’t told anyone, but that wouldn’t help it either so…”  _

_ The girl’s words were already a mess and Emma looked unsure if she would ever get her idea of the situation across. The girl sighed heavily and shook her head.  _

_ “Not like this,” the girl as if muttered to herself. “Not on those rules. Not pretending.”  _

_ “I am not pretending anything,” Regina said a bit too harshly, shaking her head.  _

_ What was her problem? Emma had to know all too well that she needed help. It was clear she wanted to do better. She had to desire to start over, try to have a chance to start a normal life and provide herself a future. Regina didn’t just understand the girl before her. She knew the struggle of having no-one to rely on all too well.  _

_ Regina only had her sister and, well, sometimes, she didn’t even have her... to talk about those things she was trying to deal with, so, yes, she knew what the girl might be feeling; concern and like not knowing what to do… So she thought maybe she could actually offer some help but she wasn’t going to let herself be insulted like that. She never pretended anything in her life, even if in the end things were to get so bad for her. She never did, she never would.  _

_ “I am a professional and whatever happened in the past is in the past. I am a teacher trying to get the best out of my student and if you could be half the professional I am, my offer still stands. If not, don’t bother to even take this class. It’d be much better if you asked to be placed in Mr. Melony’s classroom.”  _

_ “Maybe I should…” _

_ Regina just took her little lunch pack and sat on her desk, feeling something sting inside of her. _

_ “Close the door after yourself.” _

_ The teacher didn’t look back at her student, just listened to a hand grabbing on the doorknob before turning it. Heavy steps followed and before the door even closed shut, she managed to hear Ruby Lucas. _

_ “What did the Evil Queen want?”  _

_ “Nothing,” Emma answered. _

**Author's Note:**

> Note that I don't promise to post regularly... Hopefully, the time we had been given at homes will allow us to work on new chapters.


End file.
